Monday, February 6, 2012
A Cry in the Kitchen
Not so much by activities and things to do, though there are plenty of those. No, it's more of a change of heart God is working on in me.
And it's harder to go through than being too busy. Over-committing myself was a breeze compared to this sometimes heart-wrenching pain.
I'm beginning to see why God had my family slow down, at least for this school year. Going here, there and everywhere leaves little time to see what's really there--the matters of the heart that need makeovers. The habits that need to be gutted out and replaced, from the foundation up.
I'm speaking for no one but me.
Then there are all the questions roaming around in my mind. Will I ever be good enough? Will my mistakes scar my precious son? Will I ever feel wise? Will I ever learn to be truly grateful? What's the balance of grace and accountability? When will I understand what it is to rest in the righteousness of God?
Who am I really?
The tears feel as hot streaming down my face as the dishwashing water pouring over my hands. Cleansing tears. Cleansing water. Getting the dishes clean is so much easier to figure out than my own heart. I've been washing dishes for many years. Caring what's in my heart is newer to me than that.
Precious son notices my unusual emotional breakdown and asks if he has caused it. No, dear one. Don't ever forget I have my own issues I'm working out with the Lord. Pray for me, sweets, that I'll be a good example to you.
I know the answers will come. I trust that. I'm not always very patient, though. I don't always like to go through the process. I want to be perfect. Now.
I want to be something I can never be.
On my own.
Thankfully, Jesus is perfect for me.
PS For a somewhat more lighthearted sequel to this lil blog post, click here. :)