Of Hysterectomies and Un-Spring Cleaning

So, I have a hysterectomy scheduled for the near future. The reasons are various and serious. That's all the detail I will be going into here on this public blog, but if you know me and have questions, you're welcome to ask . . . and I will probably answer. ;)

I have had a rough time of it since the beginning of this year, but God has proven Himself faithful again and again, constantly.  He is leading me, teaching me, comforting me, lovingly disciplining me, providing for me, and forever showing me His perfect love.

Few people ask to go through trials in life.  I definitely don't.  But we all must walk through them anyway at times during our earthly journey.  Oh, how I haven't wanted to endure these last few months and the next couple of months, yet how else could I possibly see God's hand at work as clearly as I can now?  It is unmistakably evident that He has had and continues to have a plan in all of this.  He has at least one new daughter that I'm aware of who came to know Him because of circumstances surrounding my surgery last month.  My silly little surgery (my first ever!) that I was so worried about and was discouraged that it had not been as successful as hoped . . . until I heard about my new sister in Christ, whom I've never met, yet have this freaky-in-a-good-way connection with.  My pity party was over instantly and was replaced with excitement and re-focus on the fact that none of this is random, I'm not being picked on, and God is working mightily!

Now, I am not looking forward to this upcoming surgery anymore than anyone else would be.  And I'm probably even less enthusiastic about the long recovery afterward.  It drives me CRAZY to sit around and do nothing.  Did you hear me?  CRAZY!!!!  (See?  I'm already showing signs . . .)  I panic sometimes just thinking about it all.  But, you know the conclusion I come to every time when I reign in my thoughts?  There's a reason!  It's good.  Not easy, but good.  And then I almost look forward to seeing what God has in mind.  What will He teach me?  How will He work?  Something's up, and I'm beginning to anticipate finding out what it is!

So, this whole recovery time thing brings me to the subject of "Un-Spring Cleaning."  What IS un-spring cleaning, you might ask.  Well, it's my abridged version of spring cleaning this year.  It's kinda like spring cleaning, but not really.  For instance, today I "worked" on the bookshelves.  I had intended to take all the books down as usual and give the shelves a good cleaning.  Then I got real.  I simply don't have time for that this time!  And it's going to be okay!  Yes, I just took down the other things on the shelves (you know, candles and other decorative things), cleaned the shelves on any surface that books don't cover, and called it "fine."  Really--how much dust gets under those books anyway, right?  My theory right now (and this is with a lot of coaching from loving friends and family who I've had to admit are right!) is that anything I don't get done before surgery and recovery will still be there after.  I have ample offers of help for things that need to continue to be done during my convalescence, but my blinds will still do their job whether or not I clean them now or in the summer.  Know what I'm saying?  I actually almost believe this!  I'm learning well! ;)

Speaking of ample offers of help, people are so kind.  I've been showered with kindness all throughout the past months and have been so blessed.  The care of my son during my upcoming surgery, meals provided, so many encouraging words and cards and helpful advice, and, most importantly, the support of so very many faithful prayer warriors.  Whenever Kevin and I have gone through a dark or troubled time in our lives, the kindness of God's people is so extra-evident, shining through like the brightest of lights.  We are so grateful to everyone who is touching our lives in these different ways.  If you are one of them--thank you from the bottom of my heart!

If you are going through a hard time, hang on!  God has not dropped you from His hand, and He definitely has a good reason for allowing difficult circumstances in your life.  Don't be afraid!  One of my favorite verses lately, one that I've heard a million times but has once again taken on new meaning for me is:

"Do not fear for I am with you;  Do not be dismayed for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  Isaiah 41:10

                                                                          AND

"Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, because the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave nor forsake you."  Deut. 31:6

My One Thousand Gifts

I've taken the challenge to think of 1,000 (and beyond) things to be thankful for.  To read what this is all about, read my previous blog post here.

1. The one and only true God:  Father, Son and Holy Spirit
2. The Bible
3. Kevin
4. Little Mister                                   
5. Family
6. Friends
7. Forgiveness
8. Home education
9. Many moments, fleeting as they are, with my son
10. Crockpot meals
11. Cell phones
12. Cozy house
13. Large windows through which to gaze upon the seasons of creation
14. White daisies in winter
15. Liquid sunshine of oranges
16. Candles flickering
17. Bible study
18. Second chances
19. Good music
20. Family mealtimes
21. Family prayer
22. Family devotions
23. Cozy winter evenings
24. Warm clothes
25. Heat of the furnace
26. Bread machine to make the dough
27. Giggling girls
28. Strings of white lights
29. Scrambled eggs
30. The library
31. Sales at a store
32. Penguin pajamas already too short for growing legs
33. Always enough
34. SGC
35. Fluffy white rice
36. Crispy green salad
37. Mechanical pencils
38. Christmas carols whenever
39. Good workouts
40. A chivalrous husband
41. A helpful son
42. Computer keyboard for my fingers to fly over, expressing thoughts
43. Date night
44. Family game night
45. Laughter
46. Accountability
47. Netflix streaming
48. Rain's pitter-patter
49. Opportunities to help my son grow, and to grow sometimes myself in those times
50. Bottles of toilet bowl cleaner that can eventually be opened
51. Restored relationship between mother and son, when both have erred
52. Refreshing, healing tears
53. Wisdom freely given by God
54. Sweet, tangy pineapple
55. Tylenol/Ibuprofen
56. Fresh-smelling laundry
57. Crumbly toppings
58. Redemption
59. The of hope of spring
60. Focus
61. Hair products
62. Warm to hot showers
63. Fluffy pillows
64. Boy being diligent
65. Nerf gun darts found in funny places
66. Our big lug of a dog, Theo
67. Lego creations
68. Solid, trustworthy neighbors
69. Child's newly cleaned room
70. My girlie red Bible cover
71. The calming of anxious thoughts
72. Theo's amusing howls at the tornado siren tests
73. Mild winters
74. Memories
75. Furrowed brow of boy pouring over open Bible and concordance
76. Happy songs of sweet little birds
77. Sweet-but-not-too-sweet blueberry buckle
78. New, fresh days with no mistakes in them (yet)
79. Check marks
80. Best effort
81. My white board wall in the school room
82. Bursts of warm golden sunlight
83. A comfortable toothbrush
84. Husband or son whistling cheerily
85. Son ready for spelling test
86. Wisdom and fun to "like" on Facebook
87. Photographs, old and new
88. Father-son time--precious to see
89. Newborn babies
90. Liberty
91. Stars in the clear night sky
92. Texting
93. The light at the end of the tunnel
94. WoW Connect! writers
95. Flexibility
96. Chattering of busy squirrels
97. Clinking of clean plates stacking in the cupboard
98. Wintery pine scent of flickering candle
99. Post-it notes
100. Laughter after tears
101. Medical advances
102. Chick flicks
103. Warm gloves
104. Helping someone figure things out
105. Pinterest--Oh, the ideas!
106. A balanced budget
107. Cartoons for a sick boy
108. Possible snow
109. Fixed mistakes
110. Kind words spoken
111. Valentines for Mommy, lovingly created by 9-year-old boy's hands and heart--does it get any sweeter?
112. Composers of old
113. New hands to play the music
114. An unexpected treat dropped off for sick boy
115. Healing
116. A library full of life stories, real or imagined, free for the reading
117. New recipes
118. Old recipes, handed down through generations
119. Light snowfall against midnight sky
120. Sound of Daddy reading to son
121. Surprises to plan for my guys
122. Heart message on paper
123. Quiet afternoon--son studying, candle flickering, God's Word saturating my heart and mind
124. Far-away friends--memories carry me through the missing of them
125. Kay Arthur--such a wise and strong example, helping to bring the Word into focus
126. Dear son's opening heart
127. Love poems from husband
128. Celebrating, even in the mourning, a precious life lived for Him
129. Boy hunched over microscope, discovering the mysteries of the world
130. Comforter on our bed lopsided because sweet son surprised me by making it for me
131. "Grampy Bumps"--when one person high fives while the other knuckle bumps
132. Finding and listening to CD I forgot I had
133. Changes
134. Kevin's strong hand grasping mine across the table
135. Date Night Challenge
136. New friends
137. The testimony of one grieving in the comforting arms of Jesus 
138. Family game of Twister--hilarious!
139. Comfortable silences
140. Deep questions
141. Always more to learn
142. The sound of precious son writing song lyrics to the Lord
143. The day after a disappointing election.  The golden sun still rises.
144. That God is still in control
145. Fluffy scrambled eggs for breakfast
146. Light of all kinds
147. Warm November days to get the Christmas lights ready!
148. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus; sweetest name I know
149. My husband of strong character
150. My sweet son, sho toddled into my life at just the right time
151. God's never changing, always life-filled Word
152. The family of 7 I grew up with on Elm Circle Drive
153. Elim
154. Miss Margaret
155. My brothers-in-law--best brothers I ever had! :)
156. My loveable nieces and nephews
157. Photos--capturing memories
158. My family-in-love
159. Friends, old and new
160. Saturdays!
161. Music:  songs of praise, a chorus of birds, a great band, 80s music, the crooners of old, a child's laughter, a symphony orchestra, a favorite hymn, a powerful pipe organ (thanks to Dad)
162. Warmth
163. Memories
164. Quiet moments
165. A day set aside to give thanks
166. Extra long weekends
167. A washer and dryer
168. A weekend family getaway
169. An anticipated phone call
170. Chores that keep us humble
171. Feeling better after being sick
172. A new opportunity
173. The chance to grow
174. Grace
175. Mercy!
176. A kiss on the cheek
177. The antics of 10-year-old boys
178. Legos
179. Decorating for Christmas
180. Finding the perfect gift
181. Christmas sales
182. Christmas baking with LM
183. The book of John
184. Puffs Plus
185. Cousins
186. Sleepy yawns at night
187. Family reunions
188.  

Songs from the Heart

My 10-year-old son loves, loves, loves to write songs and sing them over and over.  He has a yellow legal pad where he scribbles down new lyrics.  As he doesn't know how to write music notes at this point, the melodies change over time.

But does that bother God?  I mean, He is the one almost all of these songs are written for--songs of worship, songs of surrender, songs of loyalty--all to his God.

Earlier this evening, Little Mister and I had an argument.  Well, to be more precise, he was arguing with me, and I, being overly exhausted from an extended period of insomniac nights, was having a hard time thinking of the wisest ways to handle it.  I remained fairly calm, but was probably adding more to the drama than I would typically prefer with my strong-willed guy!

In any case, he was sent to bed early after I told him how much I love him no matter what.  He went obligingly, but I could tell he was still upset at his consequence--thinking it undeserved and all of that.

A little while later, I heard a noise behind me and turned around in time to see his quick-as-a-flash figure disappear around the corner.  On the table was his hand-held tape recorder (an old one--yeah, like from the 1980s--that Kevin gave him to use).  I've come to recognize that tape recorder to be like the notes I used to write to my parents when I had a lot to say but wanted to make sure I said it the way I meant it.  Oh, yes, my parents found oodles of notes on their pillows over the years, from their five girls. :)

So, I picked up the tape player and pressed the "play" button.  What filled my ears (and my heart!) was a made-up-as-he-went-along song about how I am the best mom and how he loves me even when we don't agree and how much I do for him and how I saved his life (not sure what that's all about! lol).

It was the sweetest thing.

More than anything, it encouraged me.  And, oh, how I've needed encouragement like this lately!  It brightened my heart to know that, even with the everyday struggles we still endure (to the point where I worry he will never "get it!"), I have proof in my hands that he IS learning and he IS getting it!  He's getting the big picture, that people can love each other even when they don't agree.  He understands forgiveness and reaching out to someone even if they've made you mad by sending you to bed early or whatever! ;)

That's big!  He's absorbing the big ideas first, I guess, and the day-to-day, moment by moment living out of his beliefs is progressing with time, surely. I can insist that LM obeys me, but I can't change anything about his heart, his motivation for obeying--which is what God cares about!  Which is what only God can change.  Robotic obedience does not glorify the Lord.

Oh, how I needed that reassurance that God is working.

Oh, how I needed that song from the heart! :)

Just Let it Go . . .

Sometimes the Lord leads us to let go of something/someone because it/he/she is not His best for us. We might come to regret this relinquishment somewhere down the road because doubts plague us or we are longing for that thing/person in moments of weakness, when our enemy whispers lies and enticements in our ears.

Jesus would have us urgently jerk back our hands from it/him/her and throw them around His neck instead. Let's wait patiently for what He has for us, that which we can embrace without manipulations or guilt. That which He will joyfully give us when the time is right. We will enjoy His gifts so much more when they are indeed His gifts, and not something we've tried to orchestrate in our own power.

Just let it go. Wait for Him.

Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. for the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him! Isaiah 30:18

In Christ Alone

If you're confused by the new name and look of this blog, see this post. :)

I was listening to the Owl City version of this song and was once again very moved by it.  Thought I'd share these powerful lyrics tonight.

In Christ alone my hope is found;
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, my all in all—
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone, Who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save.
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied;
For ev'ry sin on Him was laid—
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain;
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me;
For I am His and He is mine—
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the pow'r of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home—
Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand.

"In Christ Alone"
Words and Music by Keith Getty & Stuart Townend
Copyright © 2001 Kingsway Thankyou Music

Here's a video:

A Cry in the Kitchen

I'm so overwhelmed these days.

Not so much by activities and things to do, though there are plenty of those.  No, it's more of a change of heart God is working on in me.

And it's harder to go through than being too busy.  Over-committing myself was a breeze compared to this sometimes heart-wrenching pain.

I'm beginning to see why God had my family slow down, at least for this school year.  Going here, there and everywhere leaves little time to see what's really there--the matters of the heart that need makeovers.  The habits that need to be gutted out and replaced, from the foundation up.

I'm speaking for no one but me.

Well, yeah, my boy is growing and changing, too.  He walks the right road more often, but I allow the minutes and hours he spends on the wrong path to overshadow the progress.  This only shines a huge spotlight on my own shortcomings.

Then there are all the questions roaming around in my mind.  Will I ever be good enough?  Will my mistakes scar my precious son?  Will I ever feel wise?  Will I ever learn to be truly grateful?  What's the balance of grace and accountability?  When will I understand what it is to rest in the righteousness of God?

Who am I really?

The tears feel as hot streaming down my face as the dishwashing water pouring over my hands.  Cleansing tears.  Cleansing water.  Getting the dishes clean is so much easier to figure out than my own heart.  I've been washing dishes for many years.  Caring what's in my heart is newer to me than that.

Precious son notices my unusual emotional breakdown and asks if he has caused it.  No, dear one.  Don't ever forget I have my own issues I'm working out with the Lord.  Pray for me, sweets, that I'll be a good example to you.

I know the answers will come.  I trust that.  I'm not always very patient, though.  I don't always like to go through the process.  I want to be perfect.  Now.

I want to be something I can never be.

On my own.

Thankfully, Jesus is perfect for me.

PS  For a somewhat more lighthearted sequel to this lil blog post, click here. :)

One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where you Are

I've been dying to write this, yet simultaneously dreading it.  How can I possibly, in my limited words, do justice to this book and what it taught me?

But try I must, because I want everyone to know about it!





"You have to read One Thousand Gifts," my friend Lindi urged me.  She told me a bit about it and about the blog that author Ann Voskamp writes.  Now, I've not known Lindi long, but the moment I met her, something clicked.  I knew right away that she was genuine and trustworthy, and, since then, time has revealed that we think very much alike and have similar goals in life.  If Lindi recommends a book, I will probably read it!  Well, eventually . . . it takes me awhile to read an entire book. ;)

I haven't even had a chance yet to talk with Lindi about how this book affected me, but I am so very thankful to her for telling me about it.  And now I must share it with you all, or burst!  I do wish I could buy a bunch of copies and send one to each of you.  Unfortunately, that won't be happening anytime soon.  If you'd like to read it for free, do what I did and check it out at the library.  I had to wait a few months on the waiting list, but it was well worth the wait.  Had I known how it would impact me, I might have gone ahead and bought it, or asked Lindi if I could borrow her copy when she was done with it.  In any case, if you live in my area, I will be returning it to the library by Wednesday. ;)

There is no book as inspiring as the Bible itself because it is inspired by God Himself!  So I hesitate to say things like "This book is life-changing" about books that aren't the Bible.  I won't say that about One Thousand Gifts (subtitle: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where you Are), but what I can say is that Ann Voskamp's experience with digging into Scripture and sharing what she learned with the readers of her book is deeply profound and moving.  She uses God's Word (and a host of other poetic words) to describe how God changed her life in her obedience to what she learned.  She brings a perspective I hadn't thought of in such a way before.

Do you want to experience true joy?  Do you want to truly understand the antidote to fear?  This book is for you!

The message of the book is enough to make it worthwhile.

But then your senses are treated to the author's amazing use of words!  I've never read anything like this!  It's like reading a poem, but it's not a poem.  You feel, hear, smell, see and taste what she is talking about.  You cry with her in her darkness and wonder if she'll ever come out of it, and delight with her as she discovers the answers.  You experience her childhood, eat dinner with her now husband and kids, live chaotic moments in her shoes as a homeschooling mom of six, and feel her emotions and reactions, raw and honest.

It is some of the crazy-best reading I've ever done!

I don't want to give anything away for those who want to read it, but I need to tell you this:  It's all about gratitude.  It's so weird that I can tell you the main point of the book without taking away from your experience in reading it.  You simply have to read it to see how it all fits together, but her main encouragement in the book is to be thankful.  For everything!

I'm telling you, it's gut-wrenching and true and right and difficult and obedient and . . . blessed.  To be grateful for the good and bad, beautiful and ugly, easy and difficult.  It's what I'm determined to do because someone took the time to explain to me, in this book, what she learned and how she learned it and how vital it is.  It's not something you'd likely ever see on Oprah.  It's true gratitude, which is not always pretty, but always freeing in the ways that matter.  In ways that make a difference.

I have begun my own list of 1,000 things I'm grateful for.  I keep a notebook on a kitchen counter to write things as they come to me, and then transfer them to my blog from time to time.  I wonder how long it will take me to reach 1,000.  Ann Voskamp has a challenge on her blog to think of 3 things each day for a year, and you'll have reached 1,000!  Breaking it down like that makes it seem very manageable.

Will you take the dare?  At least read the book and find out what it's all about! :)