Savor the Moment!

Excitement is definitely in the air!

 No, it's not the last day of school. In fact, while everyone else is celebrating the final days of this academic year, we are completely aware that we won't be done until mid-June.  But the reason is worth it!  We've been able to take time off when people come to visit, and we've had lots of fun visitors during this past school year!

Now we're taking ten days off (after today) because we have more fun visitors arriving! :)  My sis, Mary, and her daughter, Zoey will be arriving from Ohio around dinner time, I believe.

Then tonight, my sis, Amy, and her husband, Mike, and their two kids, Emily and Zack, will be arriving from Arizona!

Next week, my Aunt Linda, Uncle Dave, and Mary's hubby, Scott, will join us, and then my sis, Julie, her husband, John, and their three kids, Hannah, Shane, and Danny, will be here!  And my sis, Betsy, who lives relatively close to me, will be around for the various festivities as well, no doubt.  My parents, who live in town, will be hosting the adults, and I think the kids are staying here (based on the number of sugar cereal boxes in my house, we'd better have some extra children here at least some of the nights! lol).

It's always exciting to see loved ones, far or near.  The one thing that can put a damper on having my faraway kindred spirits near is the dread of saying goodbye again.

I am so un-fond of goodbyes!

And Little Mister absolutely falls apart immediately after saying goodbye to his cousins.

But I'm trying to learn something from my Little Mister.  This tough-but-tender-hearted boy of mine makes the most of every second, until that heart-breaking moment of goodbye.  He doesn't waste time dreading it or really even thinking about or dwelling on it.  He savors the now.

Oh, yes, that's what I want to learn to do, and I'm about to get some more practice:

Savor the moment!

This "Holy" Haunting . . .

I've been haunted so much in my life.

I'm not referring to spectral beings. Oh, no, no, no.  That's for someone else's blog. ;)

No, I'm talking about a haunting of the mind and heart.  Memories of stupid things I've done; emotions needlessly relived; details laboriously rehashed. 

I have the choice in those matters, so I guess in those cases I'm haunting myself!  Silly, huh?  Counterproductive, to say the least.

But then there's the kind of haunting that I have no control over.  The kind that sneaks up on me when I least expect it . . .

. . . because I thought it was OVER!

But it's not.

By "it," I mean a certain situation.  In this case, it was supposed to be behind us.  God walked us through it.

Last year!

He taught us so much through it.

Last year!

We made it through the deep, deep pain and injustice.

Last year!

We were content to keep it there . . . in the past.  In 2011.

But it's come back to "haunt" us.  Much more him than me.  It's my dear husband who has to relive "the incident" in its entirety, meticulously putting his memories into words more than a year later, knowing that there will likely be attempts at twisting his words to mean something they don't.  (I love that word "attempt" when it comes to evil intentions--they can "attempt" all they want, but will only be successful if God, in His supreme and loving sovereignty, allows it.)

My husband is so much stronger than I.  His faith is solid.  He experiences peace so much more easily than I do.  But this situation he's facing is not easy for him. 

And what weighs on him weighs on me.  Our lives, our very souls, are so intertwined that there's no way for me to wall up my heart and avoid the emotions welling up in me.  I don't think I really even want to do that.   I can't bring myself to abandon him on any level, not even to escape my "share" of the emotional burden that he is able to handle so much better than I.

So emote I must.  It's probably good.  I'm starting to realize these emotions have been lying dormant for months.  It makes sense.  An event, a long-lasting trial in one's life, does not just go away when the victory happens, especially when such tragedy is the source of a far-reaching event.  It touched so many people's lives in so many negative ways.  It was so useless at its beginning, yet God used its ramifications mightily for good.  How does He do that?

Is He in "the haunting," too?  God, please say You are still involved, still working behind the scenes.  Please say You will take this ridiculous man-made echo of the past and redeem it somehow.  Please allow hurting hearts to find true healing in You, not in their hateful acts born of their pain, regret, and misleading influences.

Yes, God is in this.  I know He is.  I can't help asking, "Why, Lord," though.  I mean, the stakes aren't as high for us personally now as they were last year, yet it's still a huge deal in ways I can't mention here.  God could have allowed it not to come to this.

Why didn't He stop it?

I don't get it.

But, oh, the joy I feel when I think of how I know HIM, the One who has His reasons.  His reasons are always good!  I can trust that!  This life with Him is far more exciting than any story I could read or write.  Experiencing what I have with Him allows me to, momentarily here and there, see past the pain and the anxiety and wonder what wonderfully awesome thing He will accomplish through . . .

. . . this "holy" haunting.

Part 2: To Lay Down a Life

This is a continuation of my last post, found here.

"Moment by moment . . ."

Something struck me as I typed those final words on my last post, but I didn't have time to elaborate at the time.

Moment by moment!  Maybe that's it!  Maybe my mentality has been all wrong as I think about tomorrow and next year and the rest of my life, however long that may be, and think, "I can't do it!  I can't lay down my life for that long.  I'll never make it!  I'll fail!  I'll mess everything up somehow!"

But, like every fellow human being, I have only the option of truly living one moment at a time.  I can't go back to moments past. I can't live any moment in the future until I get there, and I can't get there without living each present moment first.  Right?

So maybe to lay down a life is to do so a moment at a time!  A moment might be a literal 60-second minute, or a few minutes, or an hour.  Surely I can say to the Lord, "I will live this moment for you, no matter what You ask of me."  If practiced often enough, might it not even become a habit?

For a lifetime?

This brings me hope!  I'm not hopeless! ha ha 

Could this be the "secret" to laying down a life that has eluded me for so long?  Not that "moment by moment" won't still mean mistakes and failures along the way.  But it seems so much more manageable and like a real possibility that I could learn to lay down my life for the Lord. 

A moment at a time.

Hope is such a lovely thing!

To Lay Down a Life

A wonderful woman I am getting to know told me last night that she thinks I lay down my life.

I started to cry.

I cried for a number of reasons . . . I had had a difficult day and had been stuffing down more than one emotion all day.  Who has time to cry?  Then, I had listened to this same lovely woman say such beautiful things to the other people in the room, and it touched me.  More stuffing down of emotion.  Who wants to start crying in front of people?

Those were probably the surface causes of my undoing at her words to me, but as I thought more about it I realized there was more.

I felt kinda like a fraud.

I mean, I've never thought of myself as someone who lays down her life.  In fact, I've been thinking A LOT lately about how afraid I am to do just that.  I've been thinking about how easy some people make it seem to just say, "Lord, here's my life.  Do with it what You want."

Not so for me.

I'm afraid to say those words!

On an extra courageous day (or moment) I might say them, only to grab them back the next.

What horrible thing might He ask of me if I invite Him to do with my life whatever He wants? 

When I write that, it looks absolutely ridiculous to me.  God never said His children would have an easy life.  Everything I have, everyone I love, belongs to Him already.  Isn't He already doing with my life what He pleases to do?  And I've already endured some ugly circumstances in my life, which He has and will use for good because I love Him and was called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).  He is a loving God and does not allow trials for His own enjoyment, but for a bigger, perfect purpose.  He's refining me.  He's growing me.  And loving me through it all.

So why the fear?

I'm guessing I love my own life more than I love Him.  That doesn't look ridiculous in writing.  It looks true.  And sad.

Not that I don't love Him and live for Him the best I know how.  I do!  I slip up, but I'm doing my best to live for His glory.  It's just that, in the deepest parts of my heart, I know I'm still holding back.

"You lay down your life."  Those are some incredibly profound and powerful words!  May I soon choose to live up to them!

Surrendering.

Moment by moment . . .

(Part 2, a continuation of this post, is here.)

It's Like Saying Goodbye to an Old Friend . . .

Though I'm certainly not completely against it, I sometimes have to warm up to the idea of change.

I think it's because no matter how good the change, it still can feel like saying goodbye to an old friend.

This is on my mind as I contemplate the next school year.  Yes, I know--I can never get through one school year without already planning the next.  Hey, it takes a lot of time to pray and decide and plan and purchase and prepare!  What's a girl to do?

Anyway, I'm thinking about bursting out of my homeschool box next year and trying a radically different (for me) approach to [Our Last Name] Christian Academy.

I studied education in college, so I've always known there are other way of doing things.  I've participated in enough homeschool research, conventions and conversations to understand that it's okay to try something new and fail . . . or succeed!

I don't like the part about possible failure, though.  See, it goes against all that perfectionism I tend to unconsciously nurture.  Me no likey failure! (ha ha)

We've always used lots of textbooks here at NCA, and that is one very legitimate, successful way of learning, and Little Mister has thrived for the most part.  It's getting old, though.  He's not as enthused about learning as he once was.

And why in the world, since I have a choice, would I not try to make learning more enjoyable for my son?  NOT that he doesn't still need to be disciplined and intentional in his studies--I can't imagine that I could ever be a fan of "unschooling," from what I have seen of it.  Well, okay, I'll just admit the thought of it makes my skin crawl and causes great anxiety to well up! lol

No, I'm just talking about a different approach to learning basically the same things he would otherwise.  I've been reading up on Charlotte Mason and "classical learning."  What I'm learning speaks to me somehow and beckons to me like perhaps . . . a new friend?

I don't know.  I still have more reading and studying and praying to do before I ditch most of our textbooks and learn from "whole books" or "living books."  It would be a big stretch for me.  I will definitely write more about classical learning and, more specifically, whether or not I choose it, in a future post. :)

For now, though, I struggle a bit with what to do.  That's okay.  Struggle brings good if we keep our focus right.  I don't doubt that the Lord will use my attempts, successes or failures that they may be, for His glory.  And that's what it's all about!

Note:  If you're new to this blog and are interested in home education or our specific home school, check out my series on home education, starting here! :)

The Blessings of Family

Wow!  It's been a long time!  We have been busy with projects around the house (and always will be!), and last week we had the delight of a visit from our Washington kin. :)  Kevin's sister, Elizabeth, and her husband and son, Paul and Brent, came and spent some relaxing, conversation-filled days with us during Brent's spring break, and it was so refreshing and fun to spend time with them.  It had been three years since we had seen them!

Where is the time going?

 

Our boys have grown so much.

 

But, in some ways, it's like time stood still.  Love is like that.

My stunning sis-in-law and Little Mister, sharing a moment. :)

What a great, God-loving, fun family they are! :)

Besides a lot of just hanging out and talking (catching up!), we did a lot more just hanging around. :)  We went to parks, picnicked, drove around Amish country (where Brent had his first Rise-n-Roll donuts and Jo-Jo's pretzel!), and the boys climbed our trees and played in Little Mister's digging area.

We had a make-your-own-pizza night, where everyone got to be creative on my "rustic-looking" (ha ha) homemade crusts.

Hey, they tasted better than they looked--ha ha. :)

Lots and lots of Dutch Blitz was played by all!  It was so fun to break out this classic again. :)

There's just nothing that compares with time spent with family.  What a joy and a blessing last week was for us! :)

The Art of Ignoring

I have been learning the art of ignoring lately.

I wish it had occurred to me before.

See, for the longest time I thought I should acknowledge pretty much every wayward action of my son and hold him accountable in some way.  Maybe that's easy to do when you have one child to focus on.  In any case, he does need to be held accountable for his actions, but I've found that ignoring certain things is actually quite effective!

Please don't get me wrong here.  I'm not endorsing leniency or laziness in parenting!  It's not like that at all.

It was actually my wise husband who said, after listening to my list of exasperating wastes of time our beloved son commits during the course of a day, said, "Try just ignoring those things that he's just doing to get attention."

Like, duh!!!!

I mean, really.  It seems so obvious now.  It's amazing what I can overlook when I get so wrapped up in the everyday trials.

So, now, if it's not a moral issue per se, I'm trying to just ignore.  Sometimes it's easier than others.  Today I gave an entire spelling test with my back toward him, pretending to be busy with other things, so that:  A) He wouldn't know I knew he was looking at his paper through a magnifying glass as he wrote his words (he absolutely was totally hoping I would notice and say something), and B) He wouldn't notice that I was trying so hard not to laugh at said magnifying glass.

He was wasting time.  It was harder for him to write while looking through a magnifying glass.  But I figure that eventually he will see how much time he is NOT able to play outside or other fun things after school because that fun time is eaten up by time-wasting activities, which I will not disclose on this public blog, but can probably be imagined by those who have or spend much time with kids. :)

Every so often, but ideally not during such an infraction, I will talk with him about time management and the benefits of not wasting time, just to make sure he's thinking about it while I "blissfully" ignore.

It's kind of mercy and natural consequences mixed together.  I think. :)