This is likely the most humiliating thing I've ever written or will ever write for public consumption, but what is a blog for if not to humiliate oneself from time to time in hopes of helping and encouraging others?
And that is what this is about.
God, please speak to each reader of this blog post, and open each heart to what You have for each to individually ponder.
So, it all started a couple weeks ago. Well, kind of. My sanity began a couple weeks ago as I experienced the most frightening medical "drama" of my life. Let's just say, for the sake of propriety, that I had a very, very, very severe "female problem" to the max, and leave it at that.
It was a nightmare. It was unbelievable. I wondered if I would I die. And I'm not exaggerating.
My first reaction was to panic and cry and plead with God. And violently shiver in fear.
At last I was in a position to be able to tell my husband what was happening. My dear, wonderful, sane, wise husband. God has blessed him with a calmness in turmoil that amazes me every time. He is Jesus to me (you know what I mean by that, right?) in so many ways. He spoke truth into my life and helped clear my head to focus on that truth. He comforted me. Or shall I say, my loving Lord comforted me through him?
Through the Lord ministering to my terrified, seeking-Him heart, I realized something vital. And I apologized to Him and to my husband profusely. And I sought to cling to the forgiveness they both genuinely and freely offer me. But it's still a struggle to accept that forgiveness. I keep apologizing to them both, knowing I don't need to for their sakes, yet still needing to for the purging of my own heart.
What I realized is that I had been living in the bondage of fear. Whatever turned out to be wrong with me, whatever was causing these horrible symptoms, was partly, if not totally, my own doing.
See, I've had this totally irrational fear of going to doctors. Not the doctors themselves. I've never had a doctor who was less than a wonderful person. No, it was the idea of going to a doctor, of what they might say is wrong with me, of feeling judged, of not living up to the accountability they offered me.
So I didn't go.
This is SO humiliating. Press on, Laur.
The last time I went was a few years ago, and my doctor wanted me to have some routine blood work done. I never went back to have it done.
Is that ridiculous? Yes! But in my mind, in my state of denial, it made perfect sense. And when it didn't make sense, I rearranged my thoughts in my mind until it did.
I most certainly didn't spend much time talking to the Lord about this. Oh, yes, I know how He impresses things on my heart when He wants me to do them, and I did not want His impressions regarding this area of my life.
How arrogant! How dreadful! How I regret this attitude.
For, you see, now that I was forced to face my fear, bite the bullet, and seek medical help, I have been informed of extensive medical problems that I now have to deal with, at least one of them for the rest of my life. With still more upcoming tests, I don't yet know the full extent of what my fear-induced neglect has done.
Let me just emphasize right now that I am not saying that everyone who suffers medical conditions has brought that on him/herself. Nor am I saying that these things definitely wouldn't have happened to me had I kept up with regular doctor appointments.
But my denial was calculated and driven by hideous fear, and I can't help assuming things would not have gone as far as they did had I been accountable to a doctor.
If fear of going to doctors isn't an issue for you, I'm happy for you. You probably have no idea what I'm talking about and can't imagine someone being that irrationally afraid. But it's real. In the recent past, I have willingly faced other fears of mine and conquered them. I have a couple more to go. And, let me tell you, I'm not waiting until I'm forced to face them after what I've learned in this situation.
So, let me get to the point of why I wanted to share this with you. With all my heart I want to urge you to do what you need to do. Even if you're afraid. Do it!
I don't know what that might be for you. But, if there is something, you know. Surely if there is something God wants you to do, His Spirit moves you in some way even as you ignore the stirrings. I encourage you to stop running, turn around, and act courageously! God says in His Word that He wants us to do what we need to do even when we're scared to do it. If He asks us to do something, He will equip us to do it!
I wasn't trusting Him. I was doing things my own way because I didn't trust Him! I have cried rivers of tears over that, not just because of the consequences I am experiencing but also out of the deep regret of realizing how I was not honoring Him, not loving Him fully.
Please! Please don't wait until you're "sick" (physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc.) to take action. Do not allow the bondage of fear, denial, or stubbornness to hold you back! Don't do what I did!
Do what you need to do!
Is there a phone call you need to make? A relationship you need to take steps to mend? Something you need to give up? A good habit you need to practice? A Bible study you need to join? An accountability partner you need to seek? A confession you need to make? A mistake (well-intentioned or not) you need to correct?
If there's something you've known you needed to do, please do it now! Pray about it, ask for Him to be the courage you don't have on your own. Then trust Him! Do it!
If you are reading this, I care about you. I may not know you, but I care! If I do know you, this is extra humiliating! I'm aware of what you could potentially think about me now that I've "come clean." I know that I'm risking people talking about me and my "issues" behind my back (there are always those who seem to find their value/worth in that kind of thing--sad!). These are things I could allow to terrify me into silence.
But, strangely, I don't feel terrified! Concerned, maybe, but not terrified. I feel FREE to obey the Lord in writing and posting this. Yes, this freedom is so . . . freeing! :) I mean, it really doesn't matter what the readers of this post think of me. No offense meant at all, but I'm not living for you! I'm living for Him!
And I care about you, whoever you are, more than I care to hang on to fear. So that is why I'm putting aside my pride and hoping you will receive this message and do something about it if it pertains to you.
Right now. It's all we have for sure. Don't wait to obey His whisperings. Talk to Him about anything you've been ignoring. See how He helps you be brave! Jump off what seems like a cliff and find yourself in His strong, capable arms!
I feel unworthy to be saying these things, as I did not live up to them myself in this situation. But somehow I know God is asking me to say them anyway. I have been so humbled through this ordeal. Lord, please take my garbage and somehow transform it and use it to help someone, as only You can do!