Desperate!!

Oh, my goodness, I sometimes have become SO very upset with my precious son over the years.  I mean, really, really upset!

Not that I haven't had reasons for concern, don't you know.  Certainly it is in my job description to help my charge learn to avoid the wayward ways and coach him along to the paths of righteousness.  Now, as I've shared before, I'm working on doing so in gentle ways.

But sometimes I haven't felt gentle.  I have felt frantic!  Desperate!

It finally hit me the other day what my problem is.  I'm trying to be the Holy Spirit to my child.  Time is flying by and I have felt like it's totally up to my husband and me to make sure Little Mister is the way he's supposed to be by the time he leaves our nest.  Not that I haven't given credit to the Lord for His work so far, but I have added a burden to myself that God never intended. 

It's not so much that my approach has been all wrong (though there's always room to learn and improve!), but the desperation I feel when Little Mister doesn't "get it" in my timing is not from God, and it often leads me to feel irritated or annoyed or some kind of upset which, though I try not to show it, I'm sure shows at times. 

The truth is that there is no need to feel desperation.  My job is to be faithful, to do the time-consuming, sometimes heart-wrenching stuff that God has asked me to do--supporting him in prayer constantly, teaching him to study God's Word, trying to be a good model for him, remaining consistent, remembering to praise the good, not making bad behavior worth it (allowing him to suffer consequences), balancing accountability and mercy (oooo, that's so hard to know how to do sometimes!) . . . the list of Mom's Jobs goes on of course . . .

But the results are out of my hands.  They are between LM and his God.  No room for desperation there.  I simply (?) need to let go of that and trust . . .

Gentle Mothering, Part 4

Three full weeks of intentionally practicing gentleness as a mother have taught me a great deal!  I've written about some of those things in my previous Gentle Mothering posts:  Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3.

Let me tell you what I have observed, something that took awhile to "sink in" that it was happening.

When I am diligent to deal gently with my son, he will often go above and beyond my expectations in response!  Now, sometimes it takes everything in me to remain calm, and other times I still choose to go the wrong direction.  And sometimes when I'm doing everything "right," he still chooses to be difficult.  But there are times when he's being obstinate, but I consistently respond with gentleness, and he will suddenly and genuinely switch his attitude and do more than I asked him to or put more effort into something than I would have expected him to.  At times he'll be extra cheerful and extra compliant when I'm being extra gentle.  It's like he's going the extra mile just because he feels like it.

Can gentleness really inspire such motivation:?

Apparently so!  I've witnessed it!  It's not me, but God's Spirit working in me and in my Little Mister.  I'm so grateful! :)

We're both changing in ways that we need to, but it started with me, the adult (!!), recognizing my own shortcomings and dealing with those as much as (or more than) his. 

Click here if you'd like to read about and/or join the Gentleness Challenge!  I highly recommend it. :)

http://womenlivingwell.org/

Go to Bed, Mom!

 Something struck me this morning during our prayer time after Bible study. Somebody was praying for someone who is about to have surgery, and the pray-er said something like, "Give the doctors and other involved staff plenty of rest before the surgery."  Presumably, she was praying for this rest so the staff can be wide awake and alert during the surgery, increasing the chances that all will be successful!

Isn't everyone's job performance increased, generally speaking, with plenty of rest and sleep?  Isn't it harder to accomplish things when we're tired?

Maybe I'm the only mom who hadn't put two and two together, but it suddenly hit me--since my job as a wife and mom is just as legitimate and important as higher-paying jobs, doesn't it make sense that a proper amount of sleep would help me be better at it?  Especially with my new quest to be a gentler mom, good sleep can only help!

My problem is that I don't like to give in to the end of another day.  Time is flying so fast, and, at the end of many days, I just want to make it last a little longer.  I know once I fall asleep, this great day is gone.  Where are all these days going, anyway?  And why are they in such a hurry?

But are my days as great as they could be if I'm not as awake and alert as I could be?  Am I actually wasting time by not sleeping enough?  Am I letting some of the gentleness I want to bestow on my family slip through my fingers with that neglected sleep?

I don't know!  It's worth investigating, though!

Now, some nights I simply can't get to sleep even when I want to.  Melatonin works wonders for me.  Usually.  (I wrote about this all-natural sleep aid here, if you're interested).  When I can't sleep and it's not my fault, that's a different thing.

But, when I could be sleeping and I'm instead trying to make a day last longer than it should, I'm really not keeping my priorities in line.

I should add that I'm not suggesting I or anyone else should sleep too much, either!  Staying in bed to escape life isn't healthy or productive.

As with just about everything, balance is the key! :)

Gentle Mothering, Part 3

For two full weeks now, I've been paying extra special attention to being more gentle in my interactions with my son.  This was prompted by the Gentleness Challenge for January at the Women Living Well site.

It has been awesome, and humbling, to recognize some of my less-than-gentle approaches and work on replacing them with more God-honoring ways.  I certainly haven't "arrived," but it's good to be aware and working on it.  (My own blog post for week 1 is here, and week 2 is here)

For reasons I will reveal more in depth in the near future, I have been focusing a lot on giving thanks for whatever I can think of to be thankful for.  I have found that this exercise actually helps in my attempts to be a more purposely gentle mom.  When I find myself feeling frustrated with my son's behavior, I stop myself and think of something I can be grateful for, whether it be how precious a gift he is to me (which is something that is constant--I never feel differently, no matter how much he behaves or misbehaves) or for the opportunity that situation provides for us both to grow.   My grandma always told me there's always something to be thankful for, no matter what the situation.  She was right!  Sometimes you have to be creative or look extra hard for it, but it's there.

Anyway, this gratitude often diffuses the situation, gives me a chance to focus on what is truly important and choose my words more carefully.  In the end, my goal is not to "prove" to my son that I'm right about everything.  It's to help him learn appropriate behavior, integrity, and mature leadership skills (leadership for him, because he is a natural leader, but needs to learn to use those tendencies for good).  Part of teaching him is being a model for him, which means I need to admit/confess when I've been wrong or not handled a situation correctly.  I need to ask his forgiveness when I've given in to my temper.  Humility.

Yes, it's very, very humbling.  It takes thought.  Purpose.  Prayer!  I have a feeling I'll never "arrive." ;)  But the journey is good, too!

http://www.womenlivingwell.org/

Gentle Mothering, Part 2

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."  Proverbs 15:1

It's so true!  Those harsh words, whether they are directed from parent to child, spouse to spouse, friend to friend, etc., are counterproductive.  They only make a bad situation worse. 

Also, it's disrespectful and just plain wrong to speak that way.

I'm disrespectful and just plain wrong sometimes!

I'm not much of a yeller, but I'm an expert at making my exasperation known.  During this past week of the Gentleness Challenge, I've been even more acutely aware of how easy it is to slip into that zone!  The body language, tone of voice, choice of words . . . oh, yeah!  I've got it down pat.

It's a very selfish way of dealing with . . . . anyone!

And, anyway, how inspiring is it to be hollered at?  Yelling or speaking in an exasperated voice to a child will only succeed in causing a child to obey out of fear or annoyance, if he obeys at all.  Is this the result we are after?  We'd likely rather be helping our children want to be obedient because it's the right thing to do.  This is how they learn integrity.  If they're only trained to do the right thing because they don't want the negative consequences of disobedience, they only learn to "perform" when it suits them, rather than doing the right thing even when no one will know the difference--true integrity.

And if we yell or manipulate, they learn to yell and/or manipulate.  We are their models.  Is this a cycle we want to perpetuate?

I'm not implying that we should allow our children to get away with doing wrong.  But, just as God deals with us, there is a place for grace and mercy.

Gentle words.  Gentle gestures.  Gentle tone of voice.  Whispering when one feels like yelling (I read that here yesterday).  Yes, these will make more of a difference, I believe.  Lord, help me live like I believe!

http://womenlivingwell.org/2012/01/week-2-of-the-gentleness-challenge/

Gentle Mothering

Gentleness . . . it goes a long way in the role of "Mom."

But I feel like I too often lack it.

I'm not a particularly angry or hot-tempered person in general, but some days I feel like I'm living the dual life of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  The plain truth is that there are times I would be so embarrassed at what someone would find if they entered my home unexpectedly.  I've actually surprised myself at the volume my voice can achieve when left to its own devices!

It's not just volume, though.  I have said, in the calmest of voices, such poisonous things as, "Why don't you get it?  We've been over this a million times!" or "I give up!  I'm done!" (as she huffs out of the room like a three-year-old having a tantrum).

Now, the second it dawns on me what an idiot I'm being, I begin the humbling process of apologizing to my Lord for being such a poor example of one of His followers (ever grateful for the mercy and grace he daily, hourly, minute-ly extends to me) and making things right with my precious son.  My heart always feels so broken and bruised after an episode like that.  I can't imagine how his must feel, not having the maturity of adulthood to filter my careless words through. 

Yes, I'm glad I know enough to ask forgiveness and clear the air, but, oh, how much better things would be if I would just consistently practice gentleness and have no need for trying to make up for things later.  Yes, apologies mean a lot and can help heal broken hearts, but words uttered cannot be returned, cannot be taken back as though they had not done their marring job.  Their deed has been accomplished and cannot ever be completely undone.

That is my regret.

I can't expect my precious son to not close off a little more of his heart from me each time I speak harshly to him.  I can't expect him to not learn from my example and speak to others with such a lack of mercy and grace.  I can't expect him even to get my point (or want to) when I present it in such a way.

Our household is pretty peaceful.  Yelling really isn't what some would consider a problem around here.  But every time I succumb to this ineffective method of communication (or to sarcasm or other unsavory ways of making my point), I feel it strongly in my heart--this is NOT right!  Even a tone of voice that expresses my lack of patience is really not necessary or productive.

I'm not talking about letting Little Mister get away with doing wrong.  I'm talking about me being more intentional about holding him accountable with gentleness.  It's so important!

"Let your gentleness be evident to all . . . "  Philippians 4:5

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Colossians 3:12

That's why I was so pleased to see the "Gentleness Challenge" on Women Living Well's website.  It's for the month of January, and I definitely signed up.  It is encouraging, too, to see how many other moms have joined--it makes me feel less alone as I strive to be a more gentle mom.

http://womenlivingwell.org/2012/01/introducing-the-gentleness-challenge/#comment-24325

If this is something you would like to improve upon as a mom, or in any other roles in your life, check out Courtney's first blog of the month, including a video where she and a friend talk about the subject.  I found this post and video to be convicting and encouraging! :)

Let me know if you join the challenge, too!  When I say, "join," I just mean commit to doing it.  There are no forms to fill out or anything, though Courtney would appreciate a comment if you care to take on the challenge! :)