I started to cry.
I cried for a number of reasons . . . I had had a difficult day and had been stuffing down more than one emotion all day. Who has time to cry? Then, I had listened to this same lovely woman say such beautiful things to the other people in the room, and it touched me. More stuffing down of emotion. Who wants to start crying in front of people?
Those were probably the surface causes of my undoing at her words to me, but as I thought more about it I realized there was more.
I felt kinda like a fraud.
I mean, I've never thought of myself as someone who lays down her life. In fact, I've been thinking A LOT lately about how afraid I am to do just that. I've been thinking about how easy some people make it seem to just say, "Lord, here's my life. Do with it what You want."
Not so for me.
I'm afraid to say those words!
On an extra courageous day (or moment) I might say them, only to grab them back the next.
What horrible thing might He ask of me if I invite Him to do with my life whatever He wants?
When I write that, it looks absolutely ridiculous to me. God never said His children would have an easy life. Everything I have, everyone I love, belongs to Him already. Isn't He already doing with my life what He pleases to do? And I've already endured some ugly circumstances in my life, which He has and will use for good because I love Him and was called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). He is a loving God and does not allow trials for His own enjoyment, but for a bigger, perfect purpose. He's refining me. He's growing me. And loving me through it all.
So why the fear?
I'm guessing I love my own life more than I love Him. That doesn't look ridiculous in writing. It looks true. And sad.
Not that I don't love Him and live for Him the best I know how. I do! I slip up, but I'm doing my best to live for His glory. It's just that, in the deepest parts of my heart, I know I'm still holding back.
"You lay down your life." Those are some incredibly profound and powerful words! May I soon choose to live up to them!
Surrendering.
Moment by moment . . .
(Part 2, a continuation of this post, is here.)
I can totally relate to this post! Trying to get past this.
ReplyDeleteI don't think laying down our lives for Christ is natural, therefore our flesh rebels against it. He will strengthen you to do it as He calls you!!! Have you ever read Experiencing God? It's so good, I highly recommend it! Corrie Ten Boom the Hiding Place, and Joni are also great books, and great examples of those who laid down their lives. Reading these inspired my faith and helped give me courage to face whatever God has called me too. You have a heart that is seeking, a heart that is tender, and He is going to use you in a mighty way for His kingdom!!!
ReplyDeleteI can relate to this post too! I have been struggling with that - and just like you wrote: He is already doing with my life as He pleases, whether I want it or not. But He wants my surrender! That WILL give the greatest joy, instead of living in fear. It's an on-going battle in my life - like Stephany wrote: our flesh rebels against it. But that's just the way it is (my flesh will be part of me for as long as I live) - with my mind and my heart I will surrender over and over again, every day, every minute, to His will and His purpose with my life. Wish you all the best!
ReplyDeleteThank you, ladies, for sharing! It helps to know I'm not "the only one" who has these struggles, and I appreciate your points of view. :)
ReplyDelete