I've been haunted so much in my life.
I'm not referring to spectral beings. Oh, no, no, no. That's for someone else's blog. ;)
No, I'm talking about a haunting of the mind and heart. Memories of stupid things I've done; emotions needlessly relived; details laboriously rehashed.
I have the choice in those matters, so I guess in those cases I'm haunting myself! Silly, huh? Counterproductive, to say the least.
But then there's the kind of haunting that I have no control over. The kind that sneaks up on me when I least expect it . . .
. . . because I thought it was OVER!
But it's not.
By "it," I mean a certain situation. In this case, it was supposed to be behind us. God walked us through it.
He taught us so much through it.
We made it through the deep, deep pain and injustice.
We were content to keep it there . . . in the past. In 2011.
But it's come back to "haunt" us. Much more him than me. It's my dear husband who has to relive "the incident" in its entirety, meticulously putting his memories into words more than a year later, knowing that there will likely be attempts at twisting his words to mean something they don't. (I love that word "attempt" when it comes to evil intentions--they can "attempt" all they want, but will only be successful if God, in His supreme and loving sovereignty, allows it.)
My husband is so much stronger than I. His faith is solid. He experiences peace so much more easily than I do. But this situation he's facing is not easy for him.
And what weighs on him weighs on me. Our lives, our very souls, are so intertwined that there's no way for me to wall up my heart and avoid the emotions welling up in me. I don't think I really even want to do that. I can't bring myself to abandon him on any level, not even to escape my "share" of the emotional burden that he is able to handle so much better than I.
So emote I must. It's probably good. I'm starting to realize these emotions have been lying dormant for months. It makes sense. An event, a long-lasting trial in one's life, does not just go away when the victory happens, especially when such tragedy is the source of a far-reaching event. It touched so many people's lives in so many negative ways. It was so useless at its beginning, yet God used its ramifications mightily for good. How does He do that?
Is He in "the haunting," too? God, please say You are still involved, still working behind the scenes. Please say You will take this ridiculous man-made echo of the past and redeem it somehow. Please allow hurting hearts to find true healing in You, not in their hateful acts born of their pain, regret, and misleading influences.
Yes, God is in this. I know He is. I can't help asking, "Why, Lord," though. I mean, the stakes aren't as high for us personally now as they were last year, yet it's still a huge deal in ways I can't mention here. God could have allowed it not to come to this.
Why didn't He stop it?
I don't get it.
. . . this "holy" haunting.