To be Laurel

Mountain Laurels

If you didn't know me as a kid, you might not know that "Laurie" is not my given name.  My name is "Laurel."  You know, like the mountain laurel flower.  One of its meanings is "victorious."

I didn't realize at first that my name was different.  For the first several years of school, I was known as "Laurel," and, except for these twin boys in second grade who teasingly called me "Laurel and Hardy," I never thought anything about it.  I was probably in 5th grade or so when I realized I was the only "Laurel" I knew.  It suddenly mattered.  I didn't want to be different.

Different seemed like the worst thing in the world.

Everybody at home called me Laurie.  Laurie I could handle.  I knew some other Lauries and, of course, there was Laurie Partridge.  So thus began my struggle to become "Laurie" instead of "Laurel."  Teachers mostly wanted to call me Laurel since that's what was written on their attendance sheet.  Many of my classmates had known me since Kindergarten as Laurel, and, you know, old habits die hard.  It was easier in Jr. High because we merged with another school, so there were scads of kids who would know me from the start as Laurie.

For a brief period I changed the spelling to "Lori" because I thought that looked cooler.  I even sometimes signed my name "Lori the Great," not because I thought it was true, but maybe because I wanted it to be.  I think by the time 8th grade came around, I was back to Laurie.  But, still, it was Laurie, not Laurel . . . an outer manifestation of what was going on in my heart.  I didn't want to be different in any way.

The other day I was conversing with a sweet 9-year-old girl as we baked cookies together.  She is a well-read, well-spoken, and quite a poised 9-year-old girl, I must say.  We talked about being different.  She feels different in her interests; and her classmates, in her perception, see her as different.  She doesn't enjoy the resentment she sometimes senses from others over her different-ness, but, wow, she is determined to embrace those differences and not cave in to the temptation to conform to others' view of "cool."  She quoted from books the inspiring words she has read and memorized about what one can accomplish when she is okay with being different.

I wish I hadn't wasted my time at her age.

Naturally, I'm not talking about the kind of "different" that rages at God and the world and seeks to rebel against what is true and right.  No, no, no.  That kind of different is not to be succumbed to.  The good kind of different is that of unique, God-given qualities that have a purpose--through which He can do His work.  A person who can embrace his/her individuality can deeply touch and affect the lives of those who aren't afraid to interact with different people.

Think of all the potential that is wasted when people care only about conforming in order to avoid ridicule.  

Being Laurie became a habit.  From high school to college to my locations after marriage, I've just been Laurie.  It's automatic.  I almost forget I have a "real" name sometimes.  In recent years, I've contemplated going back to it, but it's too complicated to ask people to change my name in their minds after all these years.  If we were to ever relocate, I might consider starting off fresh with Laurel.

But a name isn't everything.  On the inside I'm becoming a Laurel.  I'm not so concerned about being cool or acting like everyone else.  I don't go out of my way to offend people, but the Lord is the One I want to glorify, not myself or a certain group of people.  It's okay now if people don't agree with me.  It's okay to be different . . .

. . . to be Laurel.

It's Like Saying Goodbye to an Old Friend . . .

Though I'm certainly not completely against it, I sometimes have to warm up to the idea of change.

I think it's because no matter how good the change, it still can feel like saying goodbye to an old friend.

This is on my mind as I contemplate the next school year.  Yes, I know--I can never get through one school year without already planning the next.  Hey, it takes a lot of time to pray and decide and plan and purchase and prepare!  What's a girl to do?

Anyway, I'm thinking about bursting out of my homeschool box next year and trying a radically different (for me) approach to [Our Last Name] Christian Academy.

I studied education in college, so I've always known there are other ways of doing things.  I've participated in enough homeschool research, conventions and conversations to understand that it's okay to try something new and fail . . . or succeed!

I don't like the part about possible failure, though.  See, it goes against all that perfectionism I tend to unconsciously nurture.  Me no likey failure! (ha ha)

We've always used lots of textbooks here at NCA, and that is one very legitimate, successful way of learning, and Little Mister has thrived for the most part.  It's getting old, though.  He's not as enthused about learning as he once was.

And why in the world, since I have a choice, would I not try to make learning more enjoyable for my son?  NOT that he doesn't still need to be disciplined and intentional in his studies--I can't imagine that I could ever be a fan of "unschooling," from what I have seen of it.  Well, okay, I'll just admit the thought of it makes my skin crawl and causes great anxiety to well up! lol

No, I'm just talking about a different approach to learning basically the same things he would otherwise.  I've been reading up on Charlotte Mason and "classical learning."  What I'm learning speaks to me somehow and beckons to me like perhaps . . . a new friend?

I don't know.  I still have more reading and studying and praying to do before I ditch most of our textbooks and learn from "whole books" or "living books."  It would be a big stretch for me.  I will definitely write more about classical learning and, more specifically, whether or not I choose it, in a future post. :)

For now, though, I struggle a bit with what to do.  That's okay.  Struggle brings good if we keep our focus right.  I don't doubt that the Lord will use my attempts, successes or failures that they may be, for His glory.  And that's what it's all about!

Note:  If you're new to this blog and are interested in home education or our specific home school, check out my series on home education, starting here! :)

Just Let it Go . . .

Sometimes the Lord leads us to let go of something/someone because it/he/she is not His best for us. We might come to regret this relinquishment somewhere down the road because doubts plague us or we are longing for that thing/person in moments of weakness, when our enemy whispers lies and enticements in our ears.

Jesus would have us urgently jerk back our hands from it/him/her and throw them around His neck instead. Let's wait patiently for what He has for us, that which we can embrace without manipulations or guilt. That which He will joyfully give us when the time is right. We will enjoy His gifts so much more when they are indeed His gifts, and not something we've tried to orchestrate in our own power.

Just let it go. Wait for Him.

Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. for the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him! Isaiah 30:18

Desperate!!

Oh, my goodness, I sometimes have become SO very upset with my precious son over the years.  I mean, really, really upset!

Not that I haven't had reasons for concern, don't you know.  Certainly it is in my job description to help my charge learn to avoid the wayward ways and coach him along to the paths of righteousness.  Now, as I've shared before, I'm working on doing so in gentle ways.

But sometimes I haven't felt gentle.  I have felt frantic!  Desperate!

It finally hit me the other day what my problem is.  I'm trying to be the Holy Spirit to my child.  Time is flying by and I have felt like it's totally up to my husband and me to make sure Little Mister is the way he's supposed to be by the time he leaves our nest.  Not that I haven't given credit to the Lord for His work so far, but I have added a burden to myself that God never intended. 

It's not so much that my approach has been all wrong (though there's always room to learn and improve!), but the desperation I feel when Little Mister doesn't "get it" in my timing is not from God, and it often leads me to feel irritated or annoyed or some kind of upset which, though I try not to show it, I'm sure shows at times. 

The truth is that there is no need to feel desperation.  My job is to be faithful, to do the time-consuming, sometimes heart-wrenching stuff that God has asked me to do--supporting him in prayer constantly, teaching him to study God's Word, trying to be a good model for him, remaining consistent, remembering to praise the good, not making bad behavior worth it (allowing him to suffer consequences), balancing accountability and mercy (oooo, that's so hard to know how to do sometimes!) . . . the list of Mom's Jobs goes on of course . . .

But the results are out of my hands.  They are between LM and his God.  No room for desperation there.  I simply (?) need to let go of that and trust . . .

Same Blog. New Name. Here's Why . . .

The old name, No Place Like Home, was good.  It expressed how I feel.  My heart is at home.  Much of my work and ministry are at home.  Home is good.

But my blog isn't just about me.  I mean, I suppose most of it is about me, but it's not just for me.  And the thought occurred to me that maybe it would seem, by the name, that I was writing exclusively for homemakers, or that home is always perfect.

The truth is that I want to encourage as many people as I can through this little blog.  Not that everything I write is encouraging, and I'm an expert at nothing, but I know I myself find encouragement in the few blogs I read because the writers are real . . . themselves. Just knowing someone else experiences the same kinds of things I do can be encouragement enough right there.  Also, I find it fun to read what other individuals and families are up to, the memories they have and are making, what they are learning, and their funny stories.

I, like they, am an ordinary person created by an extraordinary God, and writing is a primary way I sort out my thoughts.

Rekindled Heart.  God constantly rekindles my heart with His good gifts.  When I choose to focus on what I have to be thankful for (like on my 1,000 Gifts list), even in the bad times, the fire keeps burning stronger.  I find myself looking for Him everywhere, and finding He is indeed there, like a faithful husband who leaves unexpected gifts (evidence, tangible or not) for his bride to find, reminding her of his love.

Do I always get the gifts I want?  No.  I do sometimes.  Other times, because my Heavenly Father knows better than I, I get exactly what I don't want, but need nonetheless.  I'm learning to trust that I am safe in Him either way.  He knows what He is doing.

I am so glad He knows what He is doing.

Life is such a gift.  That's cliche, I know, if said without really thinking about what it means.  Life is a gift!  Why not live it fully?  Why not look for the good in it?  Why not thank the Lord for what He has given us?

Lord, I pray that you would ever rekindle my heart, and the hearts of all who stop by this little blog, once or often.