The Kindness of a Child--It's a big Deal!

My nine-year-old son has gotten in the habit of saying, "Hi, how are you?" to the cashiers in the stores we shop in.  You wouldn't think that would be too big of a deal, right?

Actually, as it turns out, it IS a big deal!  For some, anyway.

It started out as a simple act of obedience.  When he was younger, Little Mister might mumble a hi in answer to an adult's hello, if he could be bothered to do even that in all his busyness.

We told him, though, that he needed to show respect to adults or anyone else who took the time to greet him.  We instructed him to make eye contact and acknowledge the greeting.  No amount of shyness (which is not him, usually) or busyness (which is totally him) is an excuse for rudeness or lack of respect, especially toward one's elders!

It took him awhile to make this a habit, and I think he still forgets once in awhile, but overall he has done a great job showing respect in this way.

Then, several months ago, he took it to the next level on his own.  Now he often initiates greeting store personnel and fellow customers enthusiastically and genuinely.  I don't know what it is about stores, except that maybe he now feels too old to straighten the cold cuts and cheeses in the refrigerated sections and the jars of pasta sauces on the shelves, so he has more time to look around him and notice people.

It's funny how people often do a double-take when they hear his greetings.  Ah, wouldn't it be sweet if our society still took the time to greet each other, strangers included?  Wouldn't we be a bit happier as a people if it wasn't a surprise when a child noticed and acknowledged us?

Sometimes the cashiers just gush over Little Mister when he asks them how they are.  Last night at Martin's, the beaming woman who rang up our groceries said to him something like, "It made me feel so special that you would speak to me like that!"

Wow.  If it is sooo special that a boy said, "Hi, how are you," how must she often be treated as she goes about serving people throughout her work day?  Oh, yes, it's her job and she gets paid to do it and all of that, but is that really any reason to ignore her or treat her badly?

I remember a particular lady in Walmart at Christmas time, who was so very touched by Little Mister's simple kindness, I thought she was going to start crying or something!  If a hello and a how are you? meant that much to her . . . that poor, poor woman!  Yet she was so blessed in that moment!

With everything my Little Mister is "working on" in his young life, I'm inspired by his desire to start reaching out and his tenacity to make it a habit overall.  I've always tried to be friendly with the employees of places I frequent, but the sound of my son's simple kindness sometimes reminds me to lift my eyes from my Dave Ramsey wallet and focus on this one whom God has allowed me to cross paths with, even for just the short time it takes to ring up and bag groceries.  That person matters greatly to God, right then and there, as he/she quietly does his/her job.

Thanks for the reminder, Little Mister. :)

Gentle Mothering, Part 4

Three full weeks of intentionally practicing gentleness as a mother have taught me a great deal!  I've written about some of those things in my previous Gentle Mothering posts:  Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3.

Let me tell you what I have observed, something that took awhile to "sink in" that it was happening.

When I am diligent to deal gently with my son, he will often go above and beyond my expectations in response!  Now, sometimes it takes everything in me to remain calm, and other times I still choose to go the wrong direction.  And sometimes when I'm doing everything "right," he still chooses to be difficult.  But there are times when he's being obstinate, but I consistently respond with gentleness, and he will suddenly and genuinely switch his attitude and do more than I asked him to or put more effort into something than I would have expected him to.  At times he'll be extra cheerful and extra compliant when I'm being extra gentle.  It's like he's going the extra mile just because he feels like it.

Can gentleness really inspire such motivation:?

Apparently so!  I've witnessed it!  It's not me, but God's Spirit working in me and in my Little Mister.  I'm so grateful! :)

We're both changing in ways that we need to, but it started with me, the adult (!!), recognizing my own shortcomings and dealing with those as much as (or more than) his. 

Click here if you'd like to read about and/or join the Gentleness Challenge!  I highly recommend it. :)

http://womenlivingwell.org/

Gentle Mothering, Part 3

For two full weeks now, I've been paying extra special attention to being more gentle in my interactions with my son.  This was prompted by the Gentleness Challenge for January at the Women Living Well site.

It has been awesome, and humbling, to recognize some of my less-than-gentle approaches and work on replacing them with more God-honoring ways.  I certainly haven't "arrived," but it's good to be aware and working on it.  (My own blog post for week 1 is here, and week 2 is here)

For reasons I will reveal more in depth in the near future, I have been focusing a lot on giving thanks for whatever I can think of to be thankful for.  I have found that this exercise actually helps in my attempts to be a more purposely gentle mom.  When I find myself feeling frustrated with my son's behavior, I stop myself and think of something I can be grateful for, whether it be how precious a gift he is to me (which is something that is constant--I never feel differently, no matter how much he behaves or misbehaves) or for the opportunity that situation provides for us both to grow.   My grandma always told me there's always something to be thankful for, no matter what the situation.  She was right!  Sometimes you have to be creative or look extra hard for it, but it's there.

Anyway, this gratitude often diffuses the situation, gives me a chance to focus on what is truly important and choose my words more carefully.  In the end, my goal is not to "prove" to my son that I'm right about everything.  It's to help him learn appropriate behavior, integrity, and mature leadership skills (leadership for him, because he is a natural leader, but needs to learn to use those tendencies for good).  Part of teaching him is being a model for him, which means I need to admit/confess when I've been wrong or not handled a situation correctly.  I need to ask his forgiveness when I've given in to my temper.  Humility.

Yes, it's very, very humbling.  It takes thought.  Purpose.  Prayer!  I have a feeling I'll never "arrive." ;)  But the journey is good, too!

http://www.womenlivingwell.org/

Gentle Mothering, Part 2

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."  Proverbs 15:1

It's so true!  Those harsh words, whether they are directed from parent to child, spouse to spouse, friend to friend, etc., are counterproductive.  They only make a bad situation worse. 

Also, it's disrespectful and just plain wrong to speak that way.

I'm disrespectful and just plain wrong sometimes!

I'm not much of a yeller, but I'm an expert at making my exasperation known.  During this past week of the Gentleness Challenge, I've been even more acutely aware of how easy it is to slip into that zone!  The body language, tone of voice, choice of words . . . oh, yeah!  I've got it down pat.

It's a very selfish way of dealing with . . . . anyone!

And, anyway, how inspiring is it to be hollered at?  Yelling or speaking in an exasperated voice to a child will only succeed in causing a child to obey out of fear or annoyance, if he obeys at all.  Is this the result we are after?  We'd likely rather be helping our children want to be obedient because it's the right thing to do.  This is how they learn integrity.  If they're only trained to do the right thing because they don't want the negative consequences of disobedience, they only learn to "perform" when it suits them, rather than doing the right thing even when no one will know the difference--true integrity.

And if we yell or manipulate, they learn to yell and/or manipulate.  We are their models.  Is this a cycle we want to perpetuate?

I'm not implying that we should allow our children to get away with doing wrong.  But, just as God deals with us, there is a place for grace and mercy.

Gentle words.  Gentle gestures.  Gentle tone of voice.  Whispering when one feels like yelling (I read that here yesterday).  Yes, these will make more of a difference, I believe.  Lord, help me live like I believe!

http://womenlivingwell.org/2012/01/week-2-of-the-gentleness-challenge/

Gentle Mothering

Gentleness . . . it goes a long way in the role of "Mom."

But I feel like I too often lack it.

I'm not a particularly angry or hot-tempered person in general, but some days I feel like I'm living the dual life of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  The plain truth is that there are times I would be so embarrassed at what someone would find if they entered my home unexpectedly.  I've actually surprised myself at the volume my voice can achieve when left to its own devices!

It's not just volume, though.  I have said, in the calmest of voices, such poisonous things as, "Why don't you get it?  We've been over this a million times!" or "I give up!  I'm done!" (as she huffs out of the room like a three-year-old having a tantrum).

Now, the second it dawns on me what an idiot I'm being, I begin the humbling process of apologizing to my Lord for being such a poor example of one of His followers (ever grateful for the mercy and grace he daily, hourly, minute-ly extends to me) and making things right with my precious son.  My heart always feels so broken and bruised after an episode like that.  I can't imagine how his must feel, not having the maturity of adulthood to filter my careless words through. 

Yes, I'm glad I know enough to ask forgiveness and clear the air, but, oh, how much better things would be if I would just consistently practice gentleness and have no need for trying to make up for things later.  Yes, apologies mean a lot and can help heal broken hearts, but words uttered cannot be returned, cannot be taken back as though they had not done their marring job.  Their deed has been accomplished and cannot ever be completely undone.

That is my regret.

I can't expect my precious son to not close off a little more of his heart from me each time I speak harshly to him.  I can't expect him to not learn from my example and speak to others with such a lack of mercy and grace.  I can't expect him even to get my point (or want to) when I present it in such a way.

Our household is pretty peaceful.  Yelling really isn't what some would consider a problem around here.  But every time I succumb to this ineffective method of communication (or to sarcasm or other unsavory ways of making my point), I feel it strongly in my heart--this is NOT right!  Even a tone of voice that expresses my lack of patience is really not necessary or productive.

I'm not talking about letting Little Mister get away with doing wrong.  I'm talking about me being more intentional about holding him accountable with gentleness.  It's so important!

"Let your gentleness be evident to all . . . "  Philippians 4:5

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Colossians 3:12

That's why I was so pleased to see the "Gentleness Challenge" on Women Living Well's website.  It's for the month of January, and I definitely signed up.  It is encouraging, too, to see how many other moms have joined--it makes me feel less alone as I strive to be a more gentle mom.

http://womenlivingwell.org/2012/01/introducing-the-gentleness-challenge/#comment-24325

If this is something you would like to improve upon as a mom, or in any other roles in your life, check out Courtney's first blog of the month, including a video where she and a friend talk about the subject.  I found this post and video to be convicting and encouraging! :)

Let me know if you join the challenge, too!  When I say, "join," I just mean commit to doing it.  There are no forms to fill out or anything, though Courtney would appreciate a comment if you care to take on the challenge! :)

The Mighty Mouth Jar

Respect.  It's been lacking from the younger generation toward the older in our house lately.  And, well, okay, occasionally the disrespect flies from the older generation toward the younger, or even one older generation person to the other.  I know that no family speaks perfectly to one another at all times, and many people would probably think the level of disrespect in our home is "not bad," but we are trying to live our lives comparing UP (to the Lord's standards), not comparing down (to enable us to feel like we're doing well enough).  If there's room for improvement, and we realize it, we want to improve!

It's not like there's yelling (usually) or name-calling going on.  And, really, most of the disrespect comes from a 7-year-old, who is still learning to control himself and not blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.  But, I'll speak for myself when I say I find myself realizing, after the fact, that I could have said something much differently to get my point across in a more pleasant way.  Different tone of voice.  Different body language.  Maybe even a different choice of words.  Just "different!"

I want to be different!  I don't want to speak disrespectfully to loved ones or acquaintances just because that way of relating gets laughs on TV.  I don't want to resort to disrespect to get my own way or to manipulate guilt out of someone who doesn't live up to my expectations.

I want my son to be different, too, in his heart, in his attitudes, in the things that matter.  Those things don't develop automatically.  The human heart is born living selfishly.  Even when a child has surrendered his heart to the Savior, Jesus Christ, he needs to be trained to walk in a straight line, for the opportunities to veer here and there are countless!  What better way to train a child than to model what is right?

Little Mister's daddy is more patient than I.  I can't rest on that, though..  I'm responsible for my own behavior.  Our words have the power to heal or kill, encourage or destroy.  How dumb of me to destroy hours of patient training of my son with a foolish word or comment uttered in a moment of exasperation!

After running the idea past Kevin last night, this morning I instituted the new "Mighty Mouth Jar."  Any one of the three of us who speaks disrespectfully in word or tone has to deposit a dime.  The penalty charge will get steeper as time goes on. When our project is over, the money will go to church or to someone who needs it.  Just not us! :)

Before LM went to bed tonight, we counted the dimes.  I reminded him (and myself--one of the dimes was mine!) that speaking disrespectfully is costly.  It costs more than dimes--more than any amount of money we could place in that jar.  It costs the person receiving the disrespect an immeasurable amount, not to mention the relationship between the disrespect-er and the disrespect-ee.

We'll see how it goes . . . :)

http://womenlivingwell.org/2012/01/week-2-of-the-gentleness-challenge/