Of Hysterectomies and Un-Spring Cleaning

So, I have a hysterectomy scheduled for the near future. The reasons are various and serious. That's all the detail I will be going into here on this public blog, but if you know me and have questions, you're welcome to ask . . . and I will probably answer. ;)

I have had a rough time of it since the beginning of this year, but God has proven Himself faithful again and again, constantly.  He is leading me, teaching me, comforting me, lovingly disciplining me, providing for me, and forever showing me His perfect love.

Few people ask to go through trials in life.  I definitely don't.  But we all must walk through them anyway at times during our earthly journey.  Oh, how I haven't wanted to endure these last few months and the next couple of months, yet how else could I possibly see God's hand at work as clearly as I can now?  It is unmistakably evident that He has had and continues to have a plan in all of this.  He has at least one new daughter that I'm aware of who came to know Him because of circumstances surrounding my surgery last month.  My silly little surgery (my first ever!) that I was so worried about and was discouraged that it had not been as successful as hoped . . . until I heard about my new sister in Christ, whom I've never met, yet have this freaky-in-a-good-way connection with.  My pity party was over instantly and was replaced with excitement and re-focus on the fact that none of this is random, I'm not being picked on, and God is working mightily!

Now, I am not looking forward to this upcoming surgery anymore than anyone else would be.  And I'm probably even less enthusiastic about the long recovery afterward.  It drives me CRAZY to sit around and do nothing.  Did you hear me?  CRAZY!!!!  (See?  I'm already showing signs . . .)  I panic sometimes just thinking about it all.  But, you know the conclusion I come to every time when I reign in my thoughts?  There's a reason!  It's good.  Not easy, but good.  And then I almost look forward to seeing what God has in mind.  What will He teach me?  How will He work?  Something's up, and I'm beginning to anticipate finding out what it is!

So, this whole recovery time thing brings me to the subject of "Un-Spring Cleaning."  What IS un-spring cleaning, you might ask.  Well, it's my abridged version of spring cleaning this year.  It's kinda like spring cleaning, but not really.  For instance, today I "worked" on the bookshelves.  I had intended to take all the books down as usual and give the shelves a good cleaning.  Then I got real.  I simply don't have time for that this time!  And it's going to be okay!  Yes, I just took down the other things on the shelves (you know, candles and other decorative things), cleaned the shelves on any surface that books don't cover, and called it "fine."  Really--how much dust gets under those books anyway, right?  My theory right now (and this is with a lot of coaching from loving friends and family who I've had to admit are right!) is that anything I don't get done before surgery and recovery will still be there after.  I have ample offers of help for things that need to continue to be done during my convalescence, but my blinds will still do their job whether or not I clean them now or in the summer.  Know what I'm saying?  I actually almost believe this!  I'm learning well! ;)

Speaking of ample offers of help, people are so kind.  I've been showered with kindness all throughout the past months and have been so blessed.  The care of my son during my upcoming surgery, meals provided, so many encouraging words and cards and helpful advice, and, most importantly, the support of so very many faithful prayer warriors.  Whenever Kevin and I have gone through a dark or troubled time in our lives, the kindness of God's people is so extra-evident, shining through like the brightest of lights.  We are so grateful to everyone who is touching our lives in these different ways.  If you are one of them--thank you from the bottom of my heart!

If you are going through a hard time, hang on!  God has not dropped you from His hand, and He definitely has a good reason for allowing difficult circumstances in your life.  Don't be afraid!  One of my favorite verses lately, one that I've heard a million times but has once again taken on new meaning for me is:

"Do not fear for I am with you;  Do not be dismayed for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  Isaiah 41:10

                                                                          AND

"Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, because the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave nor forsake you."  Deut. 31:6

Right Now!

This is likely the most humiliating thing I've ever written or will ever write for public consumption, but what is a blog for if not to humiliate oneself from time to time in hopes of helping and encouraging others?

And that is what this is about.

God, please speak to each reader of this blog post, and open each heart to what You have for each to individually ponder.

So, it all started a couple weeks ago.  Well, kind of.  My sanity began a couple weeks ago as I experienced the most frightening medical "drama" of my life.  Let's just say, for the sake of propriety, that I had a very, very, very severe "female problem" to the max, and leave it at that.

It was a nightmare.  It was unbelievable.  I wondered if I would I die.  And I'm not exaggerating.

My first reaction was to panic and cry and plead with God.  And violently shiver in fear.

At last I was in a position to be able to tell my husband what was happening.  My dear, wonderful, sane, wise husband.  God has blessed him with a calmness in turmoil that amazes me every time.  He is Jesus to me (you know what I mean by that, right?) in so many ways.  He spoke truth into my life and helped clear my head to focus on that truth.  He comforted me.  Or shall I say, my loving Lord comforted me through him?

Through the Lord ministering to my terrified, seeking-Him heart, I realized something vital.  And I apologized to Him and to my husband profusely.  And I sought to cling to the forgiveness they both genuinely and freely offer me.  But it's still a struggle to accept that forgiveness.  I keep apologizing to them both, knowing I don't need to for their sakes, yet still needing to for the purging of my own heart.

What I realized is that I had been living in the bondage of fear.  Whatever turned out to be wrong with me, whatever was causing these horrible symptoms, was partly, if not totally, my own doing.

See, I've had this totally irrational fear of going to doctors.  Not the doctors themselves.  I've never had a doctor who was less than a wonderful person.  No, it was the idea of going to a doctor, of what they might say is wrong with me, of feeling judged, of not living up to the accountability they offered me.

So I didn't go.

This is SO humiliating.  Press on, Laur.

The last time I went was a few years ago, and my doctor wanted me to have some routine blood work done.  I never went back to have it done.

Is that ridiculous?  Yes!  But in my mind, in my state of denial, it made perfect sense.  And when it didn't make sense, I rearranged my thoughts in my mind until it did.

I most certainly didn't spend much time talking to the Lord about this.  Oh, yes, I know how He impresses things on my heart when He wants me to do them, and I did not want His impressions regarding this area of my life.

How arrogant!  How dreadful!  How I regret this attitude.

For, you see, now that I was forced to face my fear, bite the bullet, and seek medical help, I have been informed of extensive medical problems that I now have to deal with, at least one of them for the rest of my life.  With still more upcoming tests, I don't yet know the full extent of what my fear-induced neglect has done.

Let me just emphasize right now that I am not saying that everyone who suffers medical conditions has brought that on him/herself.  Nor am I saying that these things definitely wouldn't have happened to me had I kept up with regular doctor appointments.

But my denial was calculated and driven by hideous fear, and I can't help assuming things would not have gone as far as they did had I been accountable to a doctor.

If fear of going to doctors isn't an issue for you, I'm happy for you.  You probably have no idea what I'm talking about and can't imagine someone being that irrationally afraid.  But it's real.  In the recent past, I have willingly faced other fears of mine and conquered them.  I have a couple more to go.  And, let me tell you, I'm not waiting until I'm forced to face them after what I've learned in this situation.

So, let me get to the point of why I wanted to share this with you.  With all my heart I want to urge you to do what you need to do.  Even if you're afraid.  Do it!

I don't know what that might be for you.  But, if there is something, you know.  Surely if there is something God wants you to do, His Spirit moves you in some way even as you ignore the stirrings.  I encourage you to stop running, turn around, and act courageously!  God says in His Word that He wants us to do what we need to do even when we're scared to do it.  If He asks us to do something, He will equip us to do it!

I wasn't trusting Him.  I was doing things my own way because I didn't trust Him!  I have cried rivers of tears over that, not just because of the consequences I am experiencing but also out of the deep regret of realizing how I was not honoring Him, not loving Him fully.

Please! Please don't wait until you're "sick" (physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc.) to take action.  Do not allow the bondage of fear, denial, or stubbornness to hold you back!  Don't do what I did!

Do what you need to do!

Is there a phone call you need to make?  A relationship you need to take steps to mend?  Something you need to give up?  A good habit you need to practice?  A Bible study you need to join?  An accountability partner you need to seek?  A confession you need to make?  A mistake (well-intentioned or not) you need to correct?
If there's something you've known you needed to do, please do it now!  Pray about it, ask for Him to be the courage you don't have on your own.  Then trust Him!  Do it!

If you are reading this, I care about you.  I may not know you, but I care!  If I do know you, this is extra humiliating!  I'm aware of what you could potentially think about me now that I've "come clean."  I know that I'm risking people talking about me and my "issues" behind my back (there are always those who seem to find their value/worth in that kind of thing--sad!).  These are things I could allow to terrify me into silence.

But, strangely, I don't feel terrified!  Concerned, maybe, but not terrified.  I feel FREE to obey the Lord in writing and posting this.  Yes, this freedom is so . . . freeing! :)  I mean, it really doesn't matter what the readers of this post think of me.  No offense meant at all, but I'm not living for you!  I'm living for Him!

And I care about you, whoever you are, more than I care to hang on to fear.  So that is why I'm putting aside my pride and hoping you will receive this message and do something about it if it pertains to you.

Right now.  It's all we have for sure.  Don't wait to obey His whisperings.  Talk to Him about anything you've been ignoring.  See how He helps you be brave!  Jump off what seems like a cliff and find yourself in His strong, capable arms!

I feel unworthy to be saying these things, as I did not live up to them myself in this situation.  But somehow I know God is asking me to say them anyway.  I have been so humbled through this ordeal.  Lord, please take my garbage and somehow transform it and use it to help someone, as only You can do!

My One Thousand Gifts

I've taken the challenge to think of 1,000 (and beyond) things to be thankful for.  To read what this is all about, read my previous blog post here.

1. The one and only true God:  Father, Son and Holy Spirit
2. The Bible
3. Kevin
4. Little Mister                                   
5. Family
6. Friends
7. Forgiveness
8. Home education
9. Many moments, fleeting as they are, with my son
10. Crockpot meals
11. Cell phones
12. Cozy house
13. Large windows through which to gaze upon the seasons of creation
14. White daisies in winter
15. Liquid sunshine of oranges
16. Candles flickering
17. Bible study
18. Second chances
19. Good music
20. Family mealtimes
21. Family prayer
22. Family devotions
23. Cozy winter evenings
24. Warm clothes
25. Heat of the furnace
26. Bread machine to make the dough
27. Giggling girls
28. Strings of white lights
29. Scrambled eggs
30. The library
31. Sales at a store
32. Penguin pajamas already too short for growing legs
33. Always enough
34. SGC
35. Fluffy white rice
36. Crispy green salad
37. Mechanical pencils
38. Christmas carols whenever
39. Good workouts
40. A chivalrous husband
41. A helpful son
42. Computer keyboard for my fingers to fly over, expressing thoughts
43. Date night
44. Family game night
45. Laughter
46. Accountability
47. Netflix streaming
48. Rain's pitter-patter
49. Opportunities to help my son grow, and to grow sometimes myself in those times
50. Bottles of toilet bowl cleaner that can eventually be opened
51. Restored relationship between mother and son, when both have erred
52. Refreshing, healing tears
53. Wisdom freely given by God
54. Sweet, tangy pineapple
55. Tylenol/Ibuprofen
56. Fresh-smelling laundry
57. Crumbly toppings
58. Redemption
59. The of hope of spring
60. Focus
61. Hair products
62. Warm to hot showers
63. Fluffy pillows
64. Boy being diligent
65. Nerf gun darts found in funny places
66. Our big lug of a dog, Theo
67. Lego creations
68. Solid, trustworthy neighbors
69. Child's newly cleaned room
70. My girlie red Bible cover
71. The calming of anxious thoughts
72. Theo's amusing howls at the tornado siren tests
73. Mild winters
74. Memories
75. Furrowed brow of boy pouring over open Bible and concordance
76. Happy songs of sweet little birds
77. Sweet-but-not-too-sweet blueberry buckle
78. New, fresh days with no mistakes in them (yet)
79. Check marks
80. Best effort
81. My white board wall in the school room
82. Bursts of warm golden sunlight
83. A comfortable toothbrush
84. Husband or son whistling cheerily
85. Son ready for spelling test
86. Wisdom and fun to "like" on Facebook
87. Photographs, old and new
88. Father-son time--precious to see
89. Newborn babies
90. Liberty
91. Stars in the clear night sky
92. Texting
93. The light at the end of the tunnel
94. WoW Connect! writers
95. Flexibility
96. Chattering of busy squirrels
97. Clinking of clean plates stacking in the cupboard
98. Wintery pine scent of flickering candle
99. Post-it notes
100. Laughter after tears
101. Medical advances
102. Chick flicks
103. Warm gloves
104. Helping someone figure things out
105. Pinterest--Oh, the ideas!
106. A balanced budget
107. Cartoons for a sick boy
108. Possible snow
109. Fixed mistakes
110. Kind words spoken
111. Valentines for Mommy, lovingly created by 9-year-old boy's hands and heart--does it get any sweeter?
112. Composers of old
113. New hands to play the music
114. An unexpected treat dropped off for sick boy
115. Healing
116. A library full of life stories, real or imagined, free for the reading
117. New recipes
118. Old recipes, handed down through generations
119. Light snowfall against midnight sky
120. Sound of Daddy reading to son
121. Surprises to plan for my guys
122. Heart message on paper
123. Quiet afternoon--son studying, candle flickering, God's Word saturating my heart and mind
124. Far-away friends--memories carry me through the missing of them
125. Kay Arthur--such a wise and strong example, helping to bring the Word into focus
126. Dear son's opening heart
127. Love poems from husband
128. Celebrating, even in the mourning, a precious life lived for Him
129. Boy hunched over microscope, discovering the mysteries of the world
130. Comforter on our bed lopsided because sweet son surprised me by making it for me
131. "Grampy Bumps"--when one person high fives while the other knuckle bumps
132. Finding and listening to CD I forgot I had
133. Changes
134. Kevin's strong hand grasping mine across the table
135. Date Night Challenge
136. New friends
137. The testimony of one grieving in the comforting arms of Jesus 
138. Family game of Twister--hilarious!
139. Comfortable silences
140. Deep questions
141. Always more to learn
142. The sound of precious son writing song lyrics to the Lord
143. The day after a disappointing election.  The golden sun still rises.
144. That God is still in control
145. Fluffy scrambled eggs for breakfast
146. Light of all kinds
147. Warm November days to get the Christmas lights ready!
148. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus; sweetest name I know
149. My husband of strong character
150. My sweet son, sho toddled into my life at just the right time
151. God's never changing, always life-filled Word
152. The family of 7 I grew up with on Elm Circle Drive
153. Elim
154. Miss Margaret
155. My brothers-in-law--best brothers I ever had! :)
156. My loveable nieces and nephews
157. Photos--capturing memories
158. My family-in-love
159. Friends, old and new
160. Saturdays!
161. Music:  songs of praise, a chorus of birds, a great band, 80s music, the crooners of old, a child's laughter, a symphony orchestra, a favorite hymn, a powerful pipe organ (thanks to Dad)
162. Warmth
163. Memories
164. Quiet moments
165. A day set aside to give thanks
166. Extra long weekends
167. A washer and dryer
168. A weekend family getaway
169. An anticipated phone call
170. Chores that keep us humble
171. Feeling better after being sick
172. A new opportunity
173. The chance to grow
174. Grace
175. Mercy!
176. A kiss on the cheek
177. The antics of 10-year-old boys
178. Legos
179. Decorating for Christmas
180. Finding the perfect gift
181. Christmas sales
182. Christmas baking with LM
183. The book of John
184. Puffs Plus
185. Cousins
186. Sleepy yawns at night
187. Family reunions
188.  

Sad Eyes

I saw your photo the other day.

A beautiful smile!

But sad eyes.

What's behind them?  What pain do you try to hide?  What can I pray for?  How I can help?

Would you ever dare to tell me?  Or someone?

May the Lord heal your heart and bring the light back to your eyes, my friend.

Songs from the Heart

My 10-year-old son loves, loves, loves to write songs and sing them over and over.  He has a yellow legal pad where he scribbles down new lyrics.  As he doesn't know how to write music notes at this point, the melodies change over time.

But does that bother God?  I mean, He is the one almost all of these songs are written for--songs of worship, songs of surrender, songs of loyalty--all to his God.

Earlier this evening, Little Mister and I had an argument.  Well, to be more precise, he was arguing with me, and I, being overly exhausted from an extended period of insomniac nights, was having a hard time thinking of the wisest ways to handle it.  I remained fairly calm, but was probably adding more to the drama than I would typically prefer with my strong-willed guy!

In any case, he was sent to bed early after I told him how much I love him no matter what.  He went obligingly, but I could tell he was still upset at his consequence--thinking it undeserved and all of that.

A little while later, I heard a noise behind me and turned around in time to see his quick-as-a-flash figure disappear around the corner.  On the table was his hand-held tape recorder (an old one--yeah, like from the 1980s--that Kevin gave him to use).  I've come to recognize that tape recorder to be like the notes I used to write to my parents when I had a lot to say but wanted to make sure I said it the way I meant it.  Oh, yes, my parents found oodles of notes on their pillows over the years, from their five girls. :)

So, I picked up the tape player and pressed the "play" button.  What filled my ears (and my heart!) was a made-up-as-he-went-along song about how I am the best mom and how he loves me even when we don't agree and how much I do for him and how I saved his life (not sure what that's all about! lol).

It was the sweetest thing.

More than anything, it encouraged me.  And, oh, how I've needed encouragement like this lately!  It brightened my heart to know that, even with the everyday struggles we still endure (to the point where I worry he will never "get it!"), I have proof in my hands that he IS learning and he IS getting it!  He's getting the big picture, that people can love each other even when they don't agree.  He understands forgiveness and reaching out to someone even if they've made you mad by sending you to bed early or whatever! ;)

That's big!  He's absorbing the big ideas first, I guess, and the day-to-day, moment by moment living out of his beliefs is progressing with time, surely. I can insist that LM obeys me, but I can't change anything about his heart, his motivation for obeying--which is what God cares about!  Which is what only God can change.  Robotic obedience does not glorify the Lord.

Oh, how I needed that reassurance that God is working.

Oh, how I needed that song from the heart! :)

Just Relax!

"No thinking about or touching anything school-related until at least after the weekend," says he.

Ha!  My husband knows me well.  He knows I have a hard time relaxing.

Not that I don't ever have lazy, time-wasting moments like everyone else.  If you saw last night's Facebook conversation, you know the mindless things I watch on Netflix Instant Watch when I have opportunity! lol  (If you missed it, think Toddlers & Tiaras.  Also, if you're not too tired, consider joining the occasional late-night random discussion if you see us! lol  The more the merrier! ha ha)

Anyway, Kevin made the above statement last night, on our last day of home school for this school year, as we drove home from my favorite home school store with my purchases for next year.

Yes, next year.  It's only a couple months away, folks!  A girl needs to plan ahead!  Especially when she's starting something totally new next year, but that's another post. :)

Anyway, I was thinking about my problem when it comes to relaxing.  See, I realized that I usually think, "If I finish X, Y, and Z before taking time to relax, then I'll be able to relax better."  That's okay in a way, except that I almost always end up thinking, while I'm doing X, Y, and Z, that . . . well . . . maybe I'll be able to relax better yet if I accomplish A, B, and C first.  And, of course, if A, B, and C should be done, then so should D, E, and F.  Right?  It's endless.  Just endless!

I need to learn that when I have the opportunity to relax, it's a gift from the Lord.  A wonderful gift!  If I've been diligent to keep up with things, it's okay to take a break, to rest my racing mind a bit.  Read a book for fun, more than 2 pages at a time.  Have long, meaningful or just-for-fun conversations.  Take a lengthy, leisurely walk in the woods--not just for exercise, but to take in the beauty and the fresh scents and fascinating sounds.  Slow down physically and mentally.

In quiet moments, I'm free to "hear" from the Lord as He speaks to my spirit.  He doesn't seem to speak to most of us in an audible voice, so we need to be careful to take time to "listen."

Quiet.

Quiet doesn't hurt us!  It's so hard to be quiet.  If I don't have something I'm listening to externally, I've always got my thoughts to cause chaos.  Not that I think we should stop thinking, but to slow down our thoughts, quiet our minds . . . our minds need rest, which brings refreshment to our spirits if we allow it to be so.

So, my goal this summer, besides fulfilling my responsibilities, and taking time to plan for the next school year, is to learn more about the art of relaxing.  Surely it can be done!

Just relax . . .

This "Holy" Haunting . . .

I've been haunted so much in my life.

I'm not referring to spectral beings. Oh, no, no, no.  That's for someone else's blog. ;)

No, I'm talking about a haunting of the mind and heart.  Memories of stupid things I've done; emotions needlessly relived; details laboriously rehashed.

I have the choice in those matters, so I guess in those cases I'm haunting myself!  Silly, huh?  Counterproductive, to say the least.

But then there's the kind of haunting that I have no control over.  The kind that sneaks up on me when I least expect it . . .

. . . because I thought it was OVER!

But it's not.

By "it," I mean a certain situation.  In this case, it was supposed to be behind us.  God walked us through it.

Last year!

He taught us so much through it.

Last year!

We made it through the deep, deep pain and injustice.

Last year!

We were content to keep it there . . . in the past.  In 2011.

But it's come back to "haunt" us.  Much more him than me.  It's my dear husband who has to relive "the incident" in its entirety, meticulously putting his memories into words more than a year later, knowing that there will likely be attempts at twisting his words to mean something they don't.  (I love that word "attempt" when it comes to evil intentions--they can "attempt" all they want, but will only be successful if God, in His supreme and loving sovereignty, allows it.)

My husband is so much stronger than I.  His faith is solid.  He experiences peace so much more easily than I do.  But this situation he's facing is not easy for him.

And what weighs on him weighs on me.  Our lives, our very souls, are so intertwined that there's no way for me to wall up my heart and avoid the emotions welling up in me.  I don't think I really even want to do that.   I can't bring myself to abandon him on any level, not even to escape my "share" of the emotional burden that he is able to handle so much better than I.

So emote I must.  It's probably good.  I'm starting to realize these emotions have been lying dormant for months.  It makes sense.  An event, a long-lasting trial in one's life, does not just go away when the victory happens, especially when such tragedy is the source of a far-reaching event.  It touched so many people's lives in so many negative ways.  It was so useless at its beginning, yet God used its ramifications mightily for good.  How does He do that?

Is He in "the haunting," too?  God, please say You are still involved, still working behind the scenes.  Please say You will take this ridiculous man-made echo of the past and redeem it somehow.  Please allow hurting hearts to find true healing in You, not in their hateful acts born of their pain, regret, and misleading influences.

Yes, God is in this.  I know He is.  I can't help asking, "Why, Lord," though.  I mean, the stakes aren't as high for us personally now as they were last year, yet it's still a huge deal in ways I can't mention here.  God could have allowed it not to come to this.

Why didn't He stop it?

I don't get it.

But, oh, the joy I feel when I think of how I know HIM, the One who has His reasons.  His reasons are always good!  I can trust that!  This life with Him is far more exciting than any story I could read or write.  Experiencing what I have with Him allows me to, momentarily here and there, see past the pain and the anxiety and wonder what wonderfully awesome thing He will accomplish through . . .

. . . this "holy" haunting.

Just Let it Go . . .

Sometimes the Lord leads us to let go of something/someone because it/he/she is not His best for us. We might come to regret this relinquishment somewhere down the road because doubts plague us or we are longing for that thing/person in moments of weakness, when our enemy whispers lies and enticements in our ears.

Jesus would have us urgently jerk back our hands from it/him/her and throw them around His neck instead. Let's wait patiently for what He has for us, that which we can embrace without manipulations or guilt. That which He will joyfully give us when the time is right. We will enjoy His gifts so much more when they are indeed His gifts, and not something we've tried to orchestrate in our own power.

Just let it go. Wait for Him.

Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. for the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him! Isaiah 30:18

Desperate!!

Oh, my goodness, I sometimes have become SO very upset with my precious son over the years.  I mean, really, really upset!

Not that I haven't had reasons for concern, don't you know.  Certainly it is in my job description to help my charge learn to avoid the wayward ways and coach him along to the paths of righteousness.  Now, as I've shared before, I'm working on doing so in gentle ways.

But sometimes I haven't felt gentle.  I have felt frantic!  Desperate!

It finally hit me the other day what my problem is.  I'm trying to be the Holy Spirit to my child.  Time is flying by and I have felt like it's totally up to my husband and me to make sure Little Mister is the way he's supposed to be by the time he leaves our nest.  Not that I haven't given credit to the Lord for His work so far, but I have added a burden to myself that God never intended. 

It's not so much that my approach has been all wrong (though there's always room to learn and improve!), but the desperation I feel when Little Mister doesn't "get it" in my timing is not from God, and it often leads me to feel irritated or annoyed or some kind of upset which, though I try not to show it, I'm sure shows at times. 

The truth is that there is no need to feel desperation.  My job is to be faithful, to do the time-consuming, sometimes heart-wrenching stuff that God has asked me to do--supporting him in prayer constantly, teaching him to study God's Word, trying to be a good model for him, remaining consistent, remembering to praise the good, not making bad behavior worth it (allowing him to suffer consequences), balancing accountability and mercy (oooo, that's so hard to know how to do sometimes!) . . . the list of Mom's Jobs goes on of course . . .

But the results are out of my hands.  They are between LM and his God.  No room for desperation there.  I simply (?) need to let go of that and trust . . .

In Christ Alone

If you're confused by the new name and look of this blog, see this post. :)

I was listening to the Owl City version of this song and was once again very moved by it.  Thought I'd share these powerful lyrics tonight.

In Christ alone my hope is found;
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, my all in all—
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone, Who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save.
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied;
For ev'ry sin on Him was laid—
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain;
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me;
For I am His and He is mine—
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the pow'r of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home—
Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand.

"In Christ Alone"
Words and Music by Keith Getty & Stuart Townend
Copyright © 2001 Kingsway Thankyou Music

Here's a video:

A Cry in the Kitchen

I'm so overwhelmed these days.

Not so much by activities and things to do, though there are plenty of those.  No, it's more of a change of heart God is working on in me.

And it's harder to go through than being too busy.  Over-committing myself was a breeze compared to this sometimes heart-wrenching pain.

I'm beginning to see why God had my family slow down, at least for this school year.  Going here, there and everywhere leaves little time to see what's really there--the matters of the heart that need makeovers.  The habits that need to be gutted out and replaced, from the foundation up.

I'm speaking for no one but me.

Well, yeah, my boy is growing and changing, too.  He walks the right road more often, but I allow the minutes and hours he spends on the wrong path to overshadow the progress.  This only shines a huge spotlight on my own shortcomings.

Then there are all the questions roaming around in my mind.  Will I ever be good enough?  Will my mistakes scar my precious son?  Will I ever feel wise?  Will I ever learn to be truly grateful?  What's the balance of grace and accountability?  When will I understand what it is to rest in the righteousness of God?

Who am I really?

The tears feel as hot streaming down my face as the dishwashing water pouring over my hands.  Cleansing tears.  Cleansing water.  Getting the dishes clean is so much easier to figure out than my own heart.  I've been washing dishes for many years.  Caring what's in my heart is newer to me than that.

Precious son notices my unusual emotional breakdown and asks if he has caused it.  No, dear one.  Don't ever forget I have my own issues I'm working out with the Lord.  Pray for me, sweets, that I'll be a good example to you.

I know the answers will come.  I trust that.  I'm not always very patient, though.  I don't always like to go through the process.  I want to be perfect.  Now.

I want to be something I can never be.

On my own.

Thankfully, Jesus is perfect for me.

PS  For a somewhat more lighthearted sequel to this lil blog post, click here. :)

Worry? Me? Ha! Part 3

When I wrote my first post concerning worry, I had no idea it would lead to a second, and now a series! lol  I think this may actually be the last one.  It's kind of like an unorganized journey . . . I'm not sure where I'm going or when it will end.  Just writing it as it comes to me.  ;)

I have been feeling like I should address the issue of emotions.  Worry carries with it a host of emotions.  Does that mean the absence of worry means the absence of emotion?  If I'm feeling emotions I don't enjoy, does that mean I'm worrying?

I think not!  Some situations bring about a sense of grief or anger or concern, but feeling those emotions--experiencing them and dealing with them--does not have to lead to worry.  Even Jesus Himself, who never sinned, so, therefore, never worried, felt agony to the point of sweating drops of blood as he wrestled with the idea of the torture and ridicule He was about to face! 

Emotions really aren't good or bad.  What we allow them to lead to is where the right or wrong can come in.  Do we choose to take every thought captive, or do we dwell on the negative until we've stressed ourselves out or allowed our sorrows to evolve into bitterness?  Do we lay our concerns at the feet of the One who can do something about them, or hold on to them for dear life because we don't trust Him?

So, if we need to cry, we ought to cry.  Better yet, cry out to the Lord.  He always hears.  He's always ready and able to take on our burdens.  He wants us to trust Him, and He is worthy to be trusted.  We serve a mighty God!

Worry? Me? Ha! Part 2

Since posting my thoughts on the subject of worry, I've been pondering it more deeply--the meaning of worry and why I have a natural tendency, when left unchecked, to worry.  I'm sheepishly ashamed of what I have discovered about myself, but am willing to share in hopes of perhaps encouraging a fellow worrier or two out there.  At the very least, this will be an exercise in my endeavor to live a more transparent life. :)

Three main reasons for my many years of clinging to worry have come to light in my mind and heart.  And now that I recognize their existence I am fighting against them with Truth.  A friend of mind recently reminded me to "take every thought captive" (2Corinthians 10:5), and I am really taking those words to heart!  Most times anyway.  Let me share with you the three lies I have been believing for far too long.

I don't deserve to let go of my worries.  Now, that is the truth and a deception, both at once.  The truth is that, by my own merit, I don't deserve any of the blessings God offers me.  I don't even deserve to still be breathing!  But the deception comes in when I allow myself to believe any of it has anything to do with me or with what I deserve.  Deserve, it's such an easy word to throw around.  I don't deserve this, I do deserve that.  The truth is that only God gets to truly decide what He will allow in a person's life, and it doesn't always have to do with what we deserve or not.  None of us deserves the free gift of salvation and freedom He offers, but it's there for the taking anyway.  The truth is that He tells us in His Word not to worry.  Where's the faith, the trust, if we worry and take things into our own hands?  Where's the obedience?  It's not for us to decide what's fair.  It's for us to obey.

I hope to manipulate God.  Okay, that's a really strong statement, and not one that I've ever thought in so many words.  But actions often speak louder than words, right?  Here has been my theory:  They say that something like 90% of what we worry about never happens.  So, oh-so-wise-self, if it occurs to you to worry about it, it's less likely to happen!  Right?  I never in a million years thought that the injustice my beloved husband is suffering right now was a possibility.  It never occurred to me to worry about it, so that's why it happened, right?  I didn't "worry it away."  Right?  Or, if I think of everything that could possibly happen, then I can't be taken by surprise.

Oh, Laurie of Little Faith!  Do you really think God can be manipulated?  And in such a stupid way?  Could He bring Himself to think, "Oh, well, Laurie disobeyed and worried, so I won't allow that particular thing to happen.  She forgot to worry about this other thing, though, so I'll zap her with that one!"  It's almost laughable!  If it wasn't such an utterly twisted way of thinking.  If it didn't do so much damage in a person's life.

Worrying isn't nearly as bad as other things I've done in my life, or could do.  The truth?  It's sin.  Plain and simple, yet sometimes hiding behind obscurity and complexity.

Taking every thought captive has been my best defense against worry lately.  What does this mean?  I'm not an expert, but here's how I interpret and apply it:

1.  Know God's Word.  We have to read and study and think about the Bible to know what is true and what is false, what is pleasing to God and what is sin.  If God hates it or tells us not to do it or think about it, He means it and has good reasons for it!  Evil is never good, no matter how it disguises itself.  Memorize passages that speak to you about worry or other sins your are battling.

2.  Be aware of what you're thinking!  That sounds like a really dumb thing to say, in a way, but how easy it can be to dwell on something for awhile without even realizing it!  I guess this means to be diligent and purposeful in what we spend our time thinking about.

3.  Choose wisely.  A thought enters your mind.  Immediately ask yourself, "Does this pass the Philippians 4:8 test?" (Phil. 4:8: " . . . whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.")  If so, it's probably okay to dwell on it longer.  If not (and worry does NOT pass that test!), the thought needs to go.

4.  Pray!!!!!!  Since I've been putting this into practice, I find it easier to automatically ask God to help me remove worrisome thoughts from my mind and heart.  I tell Him, "God, You say in Your word that . . . " and I quote His own word back to Him.  Ha--not that he needs reminding, of course!  But Jesus quoted Scripture when He Himself was tempted.  Following His example has been ever so beneficial to me in my battle against worry.

5.  Repeat.  I mean, it's rare that worrisome thoughts wouldn't try to return just because they have met some resistance.  We must be vigilant!

I've shared this with people before, but I think it kind of applies to this situation as well.  In my early 20s, I battled pretty major depression.  For me,* it was a spiritual battle.  I didn't need medicine.  I needed a spiritual makeover, so to speak.  Our minds are a battleground!  Our minds are where sin begins.  Do we believe God or not?  Will we dwell on the things of God or the things of His enemy?  In my case, when I began to dwell on truth, to take God at His word, to pray against the deep, deceptive sorrow that sought to drown me, hope took root.  The more I stood on what I knew to be true, instead of my feelings and emotions, the more my feelings and emotions began to match up with with the truth, with normalcy, with a healed, whole person.  Then, one morning I woke up and realized it had been awhile since I had to consciously fight depression.  It had become a habit to think on truth and act on what I knew to be true (in that area anyway!).  Perhaps fighting worry is the same idea.

I'll let you know.  Someday . . .



*Depression has different causes.  Mine was a spiritual problem, but that doesn't mean I think there can't be a medical problem causing this for some people!

Worry? Me? Ha!

I was born worrying.  I mean, I really wouldn't be surprised if I worried before I was born, worrying about what life would be like on the outside.  I'm a worrier.

I honestly remember worrying in my preschool years, elementary years, junior high years . . . all the way up to the present.  True story:  One glorious spring Friday afternoon during my Junior year of high school, I realized on my way home from school that everything was perfect.  It was Friday, I had a fun weekend ahead of me with little or no homework, I wasn't involved in any high school "drama" at the moment, and the weather could not have been more pleasant.  There was nothing to worry about!  Wouldn't you know it, I started worrying about the fact that there was nothing to worry about.  Surely I was missing something, and surely it would sneak up on me during my "perfect weekend!"

*Deep sigh*

Now, I must add that as I have matured in my relationship with the Lord, He has been faithful to teach me how to handle those worries.  He is very clear in His word that we are NOT to worry, and that we are to cast our cares on Him!

That doesn't mean it's not a battle, though.  The past couple of months we have faced the biggest source of worry (for me anyway) since our court drama over Little Mister, when we didn't know if he'd be ripped from our arms due to a sometimes unfair/unwise system.  That true story had a happy ending.  Will this one?

Our issue now is not about Little Mister, but it involves the same unreliable, sometimes crooked and politically-driven system.  That scares me!  I can't count on justice prevailing in this unjust situation.  It might, or it might not.

What do I do with this agonizing worry that creeps in uninvited?

Joshua 1:9--"Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and of good courage; be not frightened, neither be dismayed; for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."  

My mom-in-law reminded us of that yesterday in a sweet e-mail.  We have received many sweet e-mails, notes and words of encouragement throughout this trying time, and each one is treasured and helps diminish the worry.  Anyway, the words I've emphasized above are the ones that especially struck me as I read them yesterday.  It was almost like they floated off the screen and waved and swirled around to be sure I would see them! ;)  They reminded me I have a choice.  Sure, there are emotions involved when we are facing trials in our lives, but they are not to rule us!

I have the choice to perhaps feel the feelings, but not let them affect my attitude.  Just because I have concerns doesn't give me an excuse to yell at my son or pick arguments with my husband.  My heart feels heavy, but I can still minister with a smile where I'm needed.  I might cry from time to time, too, but there's nothing wrong with that, as long as I'm not hanging on to my grief and worry, but laying them before the Lord (as a very wise young lady reminded me yesterday).

No, I can't trust the system to definitely do what's right, but I can trust God.  He may allow all our prayers to be answered affirmatively, and, of course, I still hope that will be the case.  Or, He may allow justice to be squelched for now.  Whatever the case, I need to focus on what I KNOW to be true:  God is on our side.  Nothing can happen to us without His allowing it.  And He causes all things to work for good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose, whether or not we can see the good at the moment through our limited human eyes.

Something is about to happen.  That I know.  Changes are on the horizon.  I'm a rather scheduled person, preferring to plan things out and prepare.  I'm not in a position to do that right now because things are so uncertain.  Scary place for me!  My wonderful husband has his concerns, but is not a deep worrier like me.  It's easier for him, than for me, to focus on the fact that God is good and the future holds endless possibilities.

So, I'm here to tell you that worry is not okay.  I'm admitting that it has always been a stronghold in my life.  And I'm rejoicing that I'm learning to fight it and I'm hopeful that as I keep struggling against it, it will lose more and more of its grip on me.  I will not give up!

The truth is the truth--it can't be changed!  The Truth is where I'm focused!